Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)

What I Knew:
Jason's dead. This movie is going to suck, I can feel it in my veins.
What I Got:
Trying something new with this entry and just writing things as I think of them during the course of the film instead of recapping it afterwards. I figure thats better than just "This film is terrible."
I wonder how much they paid this Corey Feldman lookalike. Where do they keep coming up with the money to make these films. Corey Feldman looks on as two men try to steal Jason's corpse. There are worms in his mask.  He's not dead after all. The graverobbers are dead and Corey Feldman begins to cry. Jason looks suitably badass as he stalks towards the helpless and paralyzed with fright Corey. But it was all just a dream. Corey Feldman is now a teenager in the back of an asylum bus. He has bad facial hair. I am unbelievably glad that this movie starts without a twenty minute recap of Part 4. Oh, it turns out it was really Corey Feldman and not a lookalike after all.
Tommy Jarvis, as Corey Feldman was named, is committed to the Pinehurst youth home. It turns out that it is a summer camp on a lake so i think we all know where this is going.  Pinehurst Assistant Director Pam is hot enough to stir Tommy from his catatonic state.  Dr. Matthew Letter, who is apparently the Regular Director of Pinehurst, tells Tommy some things about Pinehurst: No guards, no rules, its all re-socialization after being locked in a state institute for five years. For a kid who watched his entire family get cut down by Jason, he seems fairly well adjusted, if quiet. Also, he has a knife hidden in his room. His roommate is a little black kid who likes to play pranks. His name is Reggie the Reckless. Tommy still has his penchant for making masks and gets his revenge on Reggie for pranking him. In fact, Tommy's whole bag is full of masks. Reggie talks with the weirdest slang, like the script for a blacksploitation film fell into a food processor.
The town sheriff shows up to yell at Dr. Letter for having crazy people in the woods re: they keep escaping to have sex. The neighbors show up to also yell about the crazy people in the woods. The neighbors are Hilarious Because They Swear. Dr. Letter gives the crazy people access to axes and saws. Hurley from Lost is in this movie as Fat Hispanic Guy With Chocolate On His Face, Joey. Joey is the comedy relief character because he is more retarded than crazy. Joey is already dead. Victor J. Fadden hit him with an ax because he offered him a candy bar. Rest in Peace, sweet Joey. Whoa, Joey's back is brutally hacked apart. Its pretty cool looking, but the paramedics are dicks about it. I like how the deaths are occurring earlier and earlier since Part II established the "wait until the third act to start getting rid of characters" thing.
Two rockers in leather jackets are broken-down in the woods. One of them walks into the woods. I can't figure out why. He is scared by a rabbit. The other rocker gets a flare shoved down his throat. The first returns and gets his throat slit. We return to Pinehurst with a close up of Tommy's face. I think I know who killed the rockers. Tommy hallucinates, hearing himself and Trish screaming at Jason and seeing Jason in the mirror. Drugs calm him down.
Reggie the Reckless' Gramps is the chef at Pinehurst. There is a girl who dresses like Kelly Osbourne. A guy named Eddie scares Tommy and punches him in the shoulder so Tommy judo throws him through a table and lays into his eye. Over at the neighboring property, the neighbor woman calls her son a "dildo" and meets a drifter looking for work. The drifter kind of looks like Cromartie/John Henry from the Sarah Connor Chronicles
The next two people to die are the ambulance driver from the beginning and his waitress girlfriend. I'm not entirely convinced that Jason isn't a terminator. A cat flies very hard into a wall, scaring the waitress. An ax flies very hard into the driver's skull. The waitress is next to go, again with an ax to the stomach. So far thats three people murdered with an ax, one person with a flare, and one with a machete. Tommy keeps having visions of Jason holding a bloody ax.
At the sheriff's office, Sheriff Tucker thinks Jason is the murderer, the mayor thinks Jason was cremated, the sheriff is certifiably crazy. Jason's dead! Back at Pinehurst, the promiscuous crazy couple escape into the woods to do drugs and do it. The drifter is watching them from behind a tree until he gets stabbed in the stomach. The couple separate, leaving the girl to nap naked in the sun, just begging for a sunburn. Or to get murdered, i guess, as a pair hedge trimmers gouge her eyes out. The killer then straps a tourniquet around the boy's eyes and tightens until he's dead.
Reggie's brother's name is Demon. He, Pam, and Tommy go into town to meet Demon. I really hope Tommy doesnt die in this movie re: would like to see a 2011 Friday the 13th Part II remake featuring a grown Corey Feldman as Tommy Jarvis.
Demon lives in a trailer park that has a flashing neon sign that reads "Trailer Park." Demon looks like Lionel Ritchie plus Michael Jackson. The flashing neon sign is making Tommy go insane i think. While going insane, Tommy is nearly run over by the neighbor son on a motorcycle. The neighbor son is probably crazier than Tommy, so Tommy beats him senseless and near-on murders him before Pam stops him. Tommy runs away and Pam and Reggie chase after him in a pickup truck. Meanwhile, Demon has diarrhea from bad enchiladas. His girlfriend shakes the latrine while he uses it. They sing to each other while Demon sits on a toilet. This movie has more made up songs that are just the same phrase repeated over and over than i have ever seen before. Demon and his girlfriend are brutally murdered, just like every couple that has been seen on screen thus far. Girlfriend gets her throat slit and Demon gets impaled.
Pam and Reggie are still trying to track Tommy down. Back at Pinehurst, Matt and Gramps have disappeared. Pam drops Reggie off and leaves in search of Tommy again. Back at the neighbor's, Neighbor Son is driving his motorcycle like a lunatic around his property screaming, "HE HURT ME" at the top of his lungs. He of course gets decapitated. The neighbor mom calls Jason a "fuckwad" so of course he stabs her in the face and leaves her face down in her own stew (not a euphemism). Pam is still looking for Tommy, but since she is looking for him alone she will be safe.
At Pinehurst, a two crazies are watching a movie alone. They are screwed. But wait, after some very painful rejection, the only remaining male crazy tracks down Kelly Osbourne girl. She rejects him as well. Jason does reject him though, neither does the meat cleaver that comes crashing through his face. The redheaded girl crazy who was watching the movie tries to take Reggie to bed but gives up after very little effort. She then strips. She is So Dead. Machete to the stomach while she lays in bed. Meanwhile, Kelly Osbourne is doing the robot. She is also a dead robot via some kind of scimitar to the stomach.
Reggie is the last person alive in the house, not counting Jason of course. Reggie wakes up and goes to investigate. Investigate what, I don't know, but he finds a stack of corpses on Tommy's bed. Pam shows up just in time to terrify Reggie and immediately get terrified herself by the pile. Pam and Reggie try to escape when Jason smashes through a door with his blood soaked machete. The fleeing couple run into the woods only to find an ambulance with a corpse in it also Jason. Reggie takes off on his own, leaving Pam to fend for herself. Pam finds Matt with a railroad spike hammered into his face. She makes it back to the Pinehurst manor and locks the door behind her while screaming Reggie. Jason hurls Gramps through a window. His eyes are torn out. Man, Jason really has a thing for eyes in this film. Pam runs out of the house.
Jason stalks Pam as she crawls through the mud only to be hit by Reggie driving a bulldozer. Pam and Reggie are safe and Jason is dead for the third time. Or is he? He is not, in fact he is alive enough to grab Reggie's leg. Reggie kicks free and the survivors escape yet again. Jason is bleeding and it doesnt look like he likes it. He begins stalking them again. His mask doesn't fit very well.  Pam and Jason have a sword fight, Jason with a machete and Pam with a chainsaw. Pam nicks his arm and moves in for the kill when the chainsaw runs out of gas. If Jason had the ability to speak im pretty sure he would be laughing. Pam throws the chainsaw at Jason and runs as Tommy appears.  The two meet face to face again, Tommy confronting his psychosis directly. Jason slashes his chest. Tommy stabs Jason in the leg with a pocket knife.
Tommy escapes to a hay loft in a barn with Pam and Reggie. Jason slowly climbs the stairs himself after them, only to find Tommy's corpse in the hay. Spotting Reggie, Jason moves to confront him. Pam taps Jason lightly on the shoulder with a pipe and they have a little swordfight again. Reggie finally shoves Jason off the hay loft. Jason grabs onto the ledge however, grabs Reggie's leg, and I jump out of my seat and yelp a little bit. Easily the most effective jumpscare in Friday history. Tommy chops off Jason's arm and Jason falls limp onto this big thing of spikes below. His mask falls off and it turns out Jason is another guy wearing a mask. A guy who looks familiar, to be honest. I can't for the life of me remember who though. This movie doesnt do well with making you remember people/things.
Roy. Joey was Roy's son. Roy was Jason. Roy was one of the dickhead paramedics. That was the most meaningless twist. I wish Jason was still a monster/zombie/thing. Tommy is still alive though hospitalized. This continues to give me hope for a 2011 Tommy Jarvis film.
The film ends with Tommy defeating his psychosis and putting Jason away forever, BUT WHAT IS THIS FELLOW VIEWER, TOMMY HAS A JASON MASK HIMSELF. Were there two killers all along? Tommy creeps up behind Pam with a butcher knife and the film fades to black.
How I Felt:
Pleasantly surprised. This movie was bad, make no bones about it, but compared to parts two and three it was a cinematic masterpiece and holds up well against four and one in my opinion. Overall, not terrible and not nearly as painful as i expected.
Sequel:
Jason Lives, The New Blood, Jason Takes Manhattan, Jason Goes To Hell, Jason X, Freddy vs Jason, Friday the 13th (2010). I think I'll be able to make it. I don't feel as defeated now as I did when i watched part four.

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)

This movie has Corey Feldman, a child who makes grotesque masks for fun and eventually shaves his head and murders the hell out of Jason, and Crispin Glover, who has a great dance scene. That makes this the best Friday the 13th to date. I'm not joking.
These movies are making me lose the will to live, let alone blog.
Seriously though, what is it with Friday characters skinny dipping alone, at night, in Crystal Lake? Off the top of my head, three people have died this way so far. I can't see the appeal, myself, but hey different strokes i guess.

Friday the 13th Part III (1982)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friday_The_13th_Part_3
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083972/
What I Knew:
Absolutely nothing. Flying blind into this, and probably the rest of the Friday the 13th movies until Jason X.
What I Expected:
At this point, basically nothing. I have lost all hope in this series. I'm starting to wonder if i just invented the hockey mask in my poorly formed memories of these movies. As far as i can tell, the creative teams are just smacking their typewriters over and over until j, a, s, o, and n appear on the page in sequence, then they call it quits. Maybe its too soon to be so negative about the series, but im really doubting it.
What I Got:
A terrible movie made for 3D with things constantly popping at the camera. Also Jason's mom is back in an homage to the end of the first movie. My favorite things that popped at the screen were an obviously fake snake on a spring, a yo-yo, a phallic pitchfork, some apples and oranges that were being juggled, the female lead's butt, and a guy's eyeball.
How I Felt:
Cheated and betrayed. I feel a lot of rage towards the people who wrote this movie, the people who acted in this movie, the people who greenlit this movie, the people who paid money to see this movie, and most of all, myself for having sat through this entire movie.
View This:
Never.
Sequel?
I've come this far, I guess. I don't know, im just so discouraged now.

Friday the 13th Part II (1981)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friday_the_13th_Part_2
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082418/
What I Knew:
The writer of the original Friday the 13th was very disappointed that Jason Voorhees became the villain. That's literally all I know.
What I Expected:
Something more along the lines of what I expected from Friday the 13th: Jason killing people.
What I Got:
Well, I guess I was closer to the mark this time. Jason indeed kills people, starting with the wonderful Alice, but its certainly not the iconic Jason. In fact this Jason seems to be having a bit of an identity crisis. I think the death toll at the hands of Mr. Voorhees is about eight, out of like 20 faceless characters. The first 20 minutes of the film just summarize the last act of the first film which doesnt do Part II any favors if you ask me. The only character worth caring about, especially considering how much time was just spent explaining why we should care about her, is killed off meaninglessly immediately after and the movie doesnt bother with trying to create that kind of connection with any of the new councilors. Even someone like Annie, Jason's mother's third victim in Part 1, is lacking in this film. Just a pile of meet for a terribly conceived bad guy to hack throuh.
How I Felt:
I have some big issues with Jason in this movie. Now it might just be the fact that I am so familiar with the iconic Jason (hockey mask, machete, slow walk, ki-ki-ki-ma-ma-ma, immortal monster, etc) that its tainting my perspective of this early incarnation, but there is literally nothing even remotely frightening about Jason in this film. I'm not kidding when I say that a cat in this movie is at least 10 times as terrifying as any of Jason's appearances. He comes off as a mad farmer. He wears overalls, he has a bag of flour over his head, he wields a pitchfork for most of the film. This Jason lacks everything that makes a slasher villain great: the idea that nothing can stop him. There's a scene where he slips off a chair and falls face first into a lil puddle of urine. There's another where he trips over his own pitchfork and then has to jog to catch back up to his victim. When the bag of flour is finally pulled off his face, the rubber mask Neddy uses to scare the other councilors in the beginning of the film is significantly scarier. He looks like a reject from a bad The Hills Have Eyes knock-off. He's also not physically imposing. Just a chunky farmer, angry that you are running through his cornfield.
And the characters. There is no way to possibly care about any of the characters, and there's really no point either considering they are all either dead or disappear from the film by the second act. The ending provides zero closure, no "Then he's still out there," not even a text crawl saying "the 15 campers we forgot about survived for a little while." Nothing. Just stops cold. And then we come back to Jason. This Jason has a bit of an identity crisis. I don't think the writers decided at any one point on a unified vision of him. He's alternatively an immortal monster, a crazy mutant farmer, and a sad little kid who misses his mom. I think if they could have stuck to one idea the film could have pulled its narrative structure off better, but we are constantly swinging between "he is going to kill us all because he is evil" and "he is going to kill us all because he doesnt know better maybe we should just give him a hug." This doesnt make for good storytelling in my opinion, nor does it make me want to watch this movie ever again.
View This:
As a part of understanding the Friday the 13th canon, but never ever ever again.
Sequel?
I'm not exactly looking forward to parts 3 through 10 after this, but hopefully the crew can get their stuff together.