What I Knew:
Jason's dead. This movie is going to suck, I can feel it in my veins.
What I Got:
Trying something new with this entry and just writing things as I think of them during the course of the film instead of recapping it afterwards. I figure thats better than just "This film is terrible."
I wonder how much they paid this Corey Feldman lookalike. Where do they keep coming up with the money to make these films. Corey Feldman looks on as two men try to steal Jason's corpse. There are worms in his mask. He's not dead after all. The graverobbers are dead and Corey Feldman begins to cry. Jason looks suitably badass as he stalks towards the helpless and paralyzed with fright Corey. But it was all just a dream. Corey Feldman is now a teenager in the back of an asylum bus. He has bad facial hair. I am unbelievably glad that this movie starts without a twenty minute recap of Part 4. Oh, it turns out it was really Corey Feldman and not a lookalike after all.
Tommy Jarvis, as Corey Feldman was named, is committed to the Pinehurst youth home. It turns out that it is a summer camp on a lake so i think we all know where this is going. Pinehurst Assistant Director Pam is hot enough to stir Tommy from his catatonic state. Dr. Matthew Letter, who is apparently the Regular Director of Pinehurst, tells Tommy some things about Pinehurst: No guards, no rules, its all re-socialization after being locked in a state institute for five years. For a kid who watched his entire family get cut down by Jason, he seems fairly well adjusted, if quiet. Also, he has a knife hidden in his room. His roommate is a little black kid who likes to play pranks. His name is Reggie the Reckless. Tommy still has his penchant for making masks and gets his revenge on Reggie for pranking him. In fact, Tommy's whole bag is full of masks. Reggie talks with the weirdest slang, like the script for a blacksploitation film fell into a food processor.
The town sheriff shows up to yell at Dr. Letter for having crazy people in the woods re: they keep escaping to have sex. The neighbors show up to also yell about the crazy people in the woods. The neighbors are Hilarious Because They Swear. Dr. Letter gives the crazy people access to axes and saws. Hurley from Lost is in this movie as Fat Hispanic Guy With Chocolate On His Face, Joey. Joey is the comedy relief character because he is more retarded than crazy. Joey is already dead. Victor J. Fadden hit him with an ax because he offered him a candy bar. Rest in Peace, sweet Joey. Whoa, Joey's back is brutally hacked apart. Its pretty cool looking, but the paramedics are dicks about it. I like how the deaths are occurring earlier and earlier since Part II established the "wait until the third act to start getting rid of characters" thing.
Two rockers in leather jackets are broken-down in the woods. One of them walks into the woods. I can't figure out why. He is scared by a rabbit. The other rocker gets a flare shoved down his throat. The first returns and gets his throat slit. We return to Pinehurst with a close up of Tommy's face. I think I know who killed the rockers. Tommy hallucinates, hearing himself and Trish screaming at Jason and seeing Jason in the mirror. Drugs calm him down.
Reggie the Reckless' Gramps is the chef at Pinehurst. There is a girl who dresses like Kelly Osbourne. A guy named Eddie scares Tommy and punches him in the shoulder so Tommy judo throws him through a table and lays into his eye. Over at the neighboring property, the neighbor woman calls her son a "dildo" and meets a drifter looking for work. The drifter kind of looks like Cromartie/John Henry from the Sarah Connor Chronicles
The next two people to die are the ambulance driver from the beginning and his waitress girlfriend. I'm not entirely convinced that Jason isn't a terminator. A cat flies very hard into a wall, scaring the waitress. An ax flies very hard into the driver's skull. The waitress is next to go, again with an ax to the stomach. So far thats three people murdered with an ax, one person with a flare, and one with a machete. Tommy keeps having visions of Jason holding a bloody ax.
At the sheriff's office, Sheriff Tucker thinks Jason is the murderer, the mayor thinks Jason was cremated, the sheriff is certifiably crazy. Jason's dead! Back at Pinehurst, the promiscuous crazy couple escape into the woods to do drugs and do it. The drifter is watching them from behind a tree until he gets stabbed in the stomach. The couple separate, leaving the girl to nap naked in the sun, just begging for a sunburn. Or to get murdered, i guess, as a pair hedge trimmers gouge her eyes out. The killer then straps a tourniquet around the boy's eyes and tightens until he's dead.
Reggie's brother's name is Demon. He, Pam, and Tommy go into town to meet Demon. I really hope Tommy doesnt die in this movie re: would like to see a 2011 Friday the 13th Part II remake featuring a grown Corey Feldman as Tommy Jarvis.
Demon lives in a trailer park that has a flashing neon sign that reads "Trailer Park." Demon looks like Lionel Ritchie plus Michael Jackson. The flashing neon sign is making Tommy go insane i think. While going insane, Tommy is nearly run over by the neighbor son on a motorcycle. The neighbor son is probably crazier than Tommy, so Tommy beats him senseless and near-on murders him before Pam stops him. Tommy runs away and Pam and Reggie chase after him in a pickup truck. Meanwhile, Demon has diarrhea from bad enchiladas. His girlfriend shakes the latrine while he uses it. They sing to each other while Demon sits on a toilet. This movie has more made up songs that are just the same phrase repeated over and over than i have ever seen before. Demon and his girlfriend are brutally murdered, just like every couple that has been seen on screen thus far. Girlfriend gets her throat slit and Demon gets impaled.
Pam and Reggie are still trying to track Tommy down. Back at Pinehurst, Matt and Gramps have disappeared. Pam drops Reggie off and leaves in search of Tommy again. Back at the neighbor's, Neighbor Son is driving his motorcycle like a lunatic around his property screaming, "HE HURT ME" at the top of his lungs. He of course gets decapitated. The neighbor mom calls Jason a "fuckwad" so of course he stabs her in the face and leaves her face down in her own stew (not a euphemism). Pam is still looking for Tommy, but since she is looking for him alone she will be safe.
At Pinehurst, a two crazies are watching a movie alone. They are screwed. But wait, after some very painful rejection, the only remaining male crazy tracks down Kelly Osbourne girl. She rejects him as well. Jason does reject him though, neither does the meat cleaver that comes crashing through his face. The redheaded girl crazy who was watching the movie tries to take Reggie to bed but gives up after very little effort. She then strips. She is So Dead. Machete to the stomach while she lays in bed. Meanwhile, Kelly Osbourne is doing the robot. She is also a dead robot via some kind of scimitar to the stomach.
Reggie is the last person alive in the house, not counting Jason of course. Reggie wakes up and goes to investigate. Investigate what, I don't know, but he finds a stack of corpses on Tommy's bed. Pam shows up just in time to terrify Reggie and immediately get terrified herself by the pile. Pam and Reggie try to escape when Jason smashes through a door with his blood soaked machete. The fleeing couple run into the woods only to find an ambulance with a corpse in it also Jason. Reggie takes off on his own, leaving Pam to fend for herself. Pam finds Matt with a railroad spike hammered into his face. She makes it back to the Pinehurst manor and locks the door behind her while screaming Reggie. Jason hurls Gramps through a window. His eyes are torn out. Man, Jason really has a thing for eyes in this film. Pam runs out of the house.
Jason stalks Pam as she crawls through the mud only to be hit by Reggie driving a bulldozer. Pam and Reggie are safe and Jason is dead for the third time. Or is he? He is not, in fact he is alive enough to grab Reggie's leg. Reggie kicks free and the survivors escape yet again. Jason is bleeding and it doesnt look like he likes it. He begins stalking them again. His mask doesn't fit very well. Pam and Jason have a sword fight, Jason with a machete and Pam with a chainsaw. Pam nicks his arm and moves in for the kill when the chainsaw runs out of gas. If Jason had the ability to speak im pretty sure he would be laughing. Pam throws the chainsaw at Jason and runs as Tommy appears. The two meet face to face again, Tommy confronting his psychosis directly. Jason slashes his chest. Tommy stabs Jason in the leg with a pocket knife.
Tommy escapes to a hay loft in a barn with Pam and Reggie. Jason slowly climbs the stairs himself after them, only to find Tommy's corpse in the hay. Spotting Reggie, Jason moves to confront him. Pam taps Jason lightly on the shoulder with a pipe and they have a little swordfight again. Reggie finally shoves Jason off the hay loft. Jason grabs onto the ledge however, grabs Reggie's leg, and I jump out of my seat and yelp a little bit. Easily the most effective jumpscare in Friday history. Tommy chops off Jason's arm and Jason falls limp onto this big thing of spikes below. His mask falls off and it turns out Jason is another guy wearing a mask. A guy who looks familiar, to be honest. I can't for the life of me remember who though. This movie doesnt do well with making you remember people/things.
Roy. Joey was Roy's son. Roy was Jason. Roy was one of the dickhead paramedics. That was the most meaningless twist. I wish Jason was still a monster/zombie/thing. Tommy is still alive though hospitalized. This continues to give me hope for a 2011 Tommy Jarvis film.
The film ends with Tommy defeating his psychosis and putting Jason away forever, BUT WHAT IS THIS FELLOW VIEWER, TOMMY HAS A JASON MASK HIMSELF. Were there two killers all along? Tommy creeps up behind Pam with a butcher knife and the film fades to black.
How I Felt:
Pleasantly surprised. This movie was bad, make no bones about it, but compared to parts two and three it was a cinematic masterpiece and holds up well against four and one in my opinion. Overall, not terrible and not nearly as painful as i expected.
Sequel:
Jason Lives, The New Blood, Jason Takes Manhattan, Jason Goes To Hell, Jason X, Freddy vs Jason, Friday the 13th (2010). I think I'll be able to make it. I don't feel as defeated now as I did when i watched part four.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)
This movie has Corey Feldman, a child who makes grotesque masks for fun and eventually shaves his head and murders the hell out of Jason, and Crispin Glover, who has a great dance scene. That makes this the best Friday the 13th to date. I'm not joking.
These movies are making me lose the will to live, let alone blog.
Seriously though, what is it with Friday characters skinny dipping alone, at night, in Crystal Lake? Off the top of my head, three people have died this way so far. I can't see the appeal, myself, but hey different strokes i guess.
These movies are making me lose the will to live, let alone blog.
Seriously though, what is it with Friday characters skinny dipping alone, at night, in Crystal Lake? Off the top of my head, three people have died this way so far. I can't see the appeal, myself, but hey different strokes i guess.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Friday the 13th Part III (1982)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friday_The_13th_Part_3
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083972/
What I Knew:
Absolutely nothing. Flying blind into this, and probably the rest of the Friday the 13th movies until Jason X.
What I Expected:
At this point, basically nothing. I have lost all hope in this series. I'm starting to wonder if i just invented the hockey mask in my poorly formed memories of these movies. As far as i can tell, the creative teams are just smacking their typewriters over and over until j, a, s, o, and n appear on the page in sequence, then they call it quits. Maybe its too soon to be so negative about the series, but im really doubting it.
What I Got:
A terrible movie made for 3D with things constantly popping at the camera. Also Jason's mom is back in an homage to the end of the first movie. My favorite things that popped at the screen were an obviously fake snake on a spring, a yo-yo, a phallic pitchfork, some apples and oranges that were being juggled, the female lead's butt, and a guy's eyeball.
How I Felt:
Cheated and betrayed. I feel a lot of rage towards the people who wrote this movie, the people who acted in this movie, the people who greenlit this movie, the people who paid money to see this movie, and most of all, myself for having sat through this entire movie.
View This:
Never.
Sequel?
I've come this far, I guess. I don't know, im just so discouraged now.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083972/
What I Knew:
Absolutely nothing. Flying blind into this, and probably the rest of the Friday the 13th movies until Jason X.
What I Expected:
At this point, basically nothing. I have lost all hope in this series. I'm starting to wonder if i just invented the hockey mask in my poorly formed memories of these movies. As far as i can tell, the creative teams are just smacking their typewriters over and over until j, a, s, o, and n appear on the page in sequence, then they call it quits. Maybe its too soon to be so negative about the series, but im really doubting it.
What I Got:
A terrible movie made for 3D with things constantly popping at the camera. Also Jason's mom is back in an homage to the end of the first movie. My favorite things that popped at the screen were an obviously fake snake on a spring, a yo-yo, a phallic pitchfork, some apples and oranges that were being juggled, the female lead's butt, and a guy's eyeball.
How I Felt:
Cheated and betrayed. I feel a lot of rage towards the people who wrote this movie, the people who acted in this movie, the people who greenlit this movie, the people who paid money to see this movie, and most of all, myself for having sat through this entire movie.
View This:
Never.
Sequel?
I've come this far, I guess. I don't know, im just so discouraged now.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Friday the 13th Part II (1981)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friday_the_13th_Part_2
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082418/
What I Knew:
The writer of the original Friday the 13th was very disappointed that Jason Voorhees became the villain. That's literally all I know.
What I Expected:
Something more along the lines of what I expected from Friday the 13th: Jason killing people.
What I Got:
Well, I guess I was closer to the mark this time. Jason indeed kills people, starting with the wonderful Alice, but its certainly not the iconic Jason. In fact this Jason seems to be having a bit of an identity crisis. I think the death toll at the hands of Mr. Voorhees is about eight, out of like 20 faceless characters. The first 20 minutes of the film just summarize the last act of the first film which doesnt do Part II any favors if you ask me. The only character worth caring about, especially considering how much time was just spent explaining why we should care about her, is killed off meaninglessly immediately after and the movie doesnt bother with trying to create that kind of connection with any of the new councilors. Even someone like Annie, Jason's mother's third victim in Part 1, is lacking in this film. Just a pile of meet for a terribly conceived bad guy to hack throuh.
How I Felt:
I have some big issues with Jason in this movie. Now it might just be the fact that I am so familiar with the iconic Jason (hockey mask, machete, slow walk, ki-ki-ki-ma-ma-ma, immortal monster, etc) that its tainting my perspective of this early incarnation, but there is literally nothing even remotely frightening about Jason in this film. I'm not kidding when I say that a cat in this movie is at least 10 times as terrifying as any of Jason's appearances. He comes off as a mad farmer. He wears overalls, he has a bag of flour over his head, he wields a pitchfork for most of the film. This Jason lacks everything that makes a slasher villain great: the idea that nothing can stop him. There's a scene where he slips off a chair and falls face first into a lil puddle of urine. There's another where he trips over his own pitchfork and then has to jog to catch back up to his victim. When the bag of flour is finally pulled off his face, the rubber mask Neddy uses to scare the other councilors in the beginning of the film is significantly scarier. He looks like a reject from a bad The Hills Have Eyes knock-off. He's also not physically imposing. Just a chunky farmer, angry that you are running through his cornfield.
And the characters. There is no way to possibly care about any of the characters, and there's really no point either considering they are all either dead or disappear from the film by the second act. The ending provides zero closure, no "Then he's still out there," not even a text crawl saying "the 15 campers we forgot about survived for a little while." Nothing. Just stops cold. And then we come back to Jason. This Jason has a bit of an identity crisis. I don't think the writers decided at any one point on a unified vision of him. He's alternatively an immortal monster, a crazy mutant farmer, and a sad little kid who misses his mom. I think if they could have stuck to one idea the film could have pulled its narrative structure off better, but we are constantly swinging between "he is going to kill us all because he is evil" and "he is going to kill us all because he doesnt know better maybe we should just give him a hug." This doesnt make for good storytelling in my opinion, nor does it make me want to watch this movie ever again.
View This:
As a part of understanding the Friday the 13th canon, but never ever ever again.
Sequel?
I'm not exactly looking forward to parts 3 through 10 after this, but hopefully the crew can get their stuff together.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082418/
What I Knew:
The writer of the original Friday the 13th was very disappointed that Jason Voorhees became the villain. That's literally all I know.
What I Expected:
Something more along the lines of what I expected from Friday the 13th: Jason killing people.
What I Got:
Well, I guess I was closer to the mark this time. Jason indeed kills people, starting with the wonderful Alice, but its certainly not the iconic Jason. In fact this Jason seems to be having a bit of an identity crisis. I think the death toll at the hands of Mr. Voorhees is about eight, out of like 20 faceless characters. The first 20 minutes of the film just summarize the last act of the first film which doesnt do Part II any favors if you ask me. The only character worth caring about, especially considering how much time was just spent explaining why we should care about her, is killed off meaninglessly immediately after and the movie doesnt bother with trying to create that kind of connection with any of the new councilors. Even someone like Annie, Jason's mother's third victim in Part 1, is lacking in this film. Just a pile of meet for a terribly conceived bad guy to hack throuh.
How I Felt:
I have some big issues with Jason in this movie. Now it might just be the fact that I am so familiar with the iconic Jason (hockey mask, machete, slow walk, ki-ki-ki-ma-ma-ma, immortal monster, etc) that its tainting my perspective of this early incarnation, but there is literally nothing even remotely frightening about Jason in this film. I'm not kidding when I say that a cat in this movie is at least 10 times as terrifying as any of Jason's appearances. He comes off as a mad farmer. He wears overalls, he has a bag of flour over his head, he wields a pitchfork for most of the film. This Jason lacks everything that makes a slasher villain great: the idea that nothing can stop him. There's a scene where he slips off a chair and falls face first into a lil puddle of urine. There's another where he trips over his own pitchfork and then has to jog to catch back up to his victim. When the bag of flour is finally pulled off his face, the rubber mask Neddy uses to scare the other councilors in the beginning of the film is significantly scarier. He looks like a reject from a bad The Hills Have Eyes knock-off. He's also not physically imposing. Just a chunky farmer, angry that you are running through his cornfield.
And the characters. There is no way to possibly care about any of the characters, and there's really no point either considering they are all either dead or disappear from the film by the second act. The ending provides zero closure, no "Then he's still out there," not even a text crawl saying "the 15 campers we forgot about survived for a little while." Nothing. Just stops cold. And then we come back to Jason. This Jason has a bit of an identity crisis. I don't think the writers decided at any one point on a unified vision of him. He's alternatively an immortal monster, a crazy mutant farmer, and a sad little kid who misses his mom. I think if they could have stuck to one idea the film could have pulled its narrative structure off better, but we are constantly swinging between "he is going to kill us all because he is evil" and "he is going to kill us all because he doesnt know better maybe we should just give him a hug." This doesnt make for good storytelling in my opinion, nor does it make me want to watch this movie ever again.
View This:
As a part of understanding the Friday the 13th canon, but never ever ever again.
Sequel?
I'm not exactly looking forward to parts 3 through 10 after this, but hopefully the crew can get their stuff together.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Friday the 13th (1980)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friday_the_13th_(1980_film)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080761/
What I Knew:
Ch-ch-ch-ch-ah-ah-ah-ah. Friday the 13th is ubiquitous. Camp Crystal Lake. Jason. The perils of sexual immorality. I've never seen it before so the details aren't really there for me, but does anyone not know what happens in Friday the 13th? When I was a Star Scout, I tried really hard to convince my scoutmaster to take us to Camp NoBeBoSco, which is Camp Crystal Lake in this film, but 14 year old me just couldn't sell the old man on horror history.
What I Expected:
Camp slasher movie with a guy in the most famous hockey mask in the world.
What I Got:
Uh. Well.
So I had no idea what i was getting myself into. It turns out that I had seen most of the kills previously, probably via youtube, but the whole last reel was still very new to me. For a movie that is about the most iconic horror villain of all time, it sure doesnt have a whole lot of him. There are only four people who have sex in the film, all of whom are murdered, but there are like four more victims who never even take their pants off. Turns out that its actually "ki-ki-ki-ma-ma-ma." Not at all what i was expecting, but man was it a fun ride. I don't think im gonna summarize the film here like I did with the previous two movies, but needless to say some people show up at a camp, they get murdered, some crazy old woman is murdering them because she thinks her son is telling her to avenge his death at the hands of negligent camp counselors, she gets murdered, a rotting kid jumps out of a lake.
How I Felt:
I liked this movie a lot. It felt lighthearted in a way that didnt detract from the scares and scary in a way that didnt detract from the emotional pull. Mrs. Voorhees is an awesome villain, especially when you are expecting something a lot more foreboding. A jeep pulls up and you're sitting there expecting big bad Jason, with mask and machete, ready for some murdering, but nope its just a doddering old mom. And she has a machete. All the characters felt really likable, from kinda creepy Steve, dorky and horny Neddy, and almost matronly Brenda to protective and responsible Bill, over-compensatingly masculine Jack, and his condescending girlfriend Marcie, to heroine Alice. Alice is really pretty, i feel like i need to point that out. I was definitely cheering for her to survive and also cheering for her to lose at Strip Monopoly.
The special effects are absolutely great. There's something about seeing an ax embedded in someone's face in a highly-detailed way for only a few seconds that really shows pride in the effects' guy's work. I love these late-70s, early-80s special effects due to how resourceful and creative you had to be, and it really shows in movies like this. I'm also a fan of the jump scares and the music cues to them. You get this break in the score right before something cool happens and it really preps you for the jump, i think. All in all, i'm really glad i've finally seen this piece of history.
View This:
However you want, just make sure the volume is loud.
Sequel????
Well, I have ten Friday the 13th movies at the moment, of which i have only seen Jason X, the one about Jason in space, so i think i'll be able to try to get through nine more plus the 2009 remake. Kind of excited to see the evolution of Jason over 30 years.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080761/
What I Knew:
Ch-ch-ch-ch-ah-ah-ah-ah. Friday the 13th is ubiquitous. Camp Crystal Lake. Jason. The perils of sexual immorality. I've never seen it before so the details aren't really there for me, but does anyone not know what happens in Friday the 13th? When I was a Star Scout, I tried really hard to convince my scoutmaster to take us to Camp NoBeBoSco, which is Camp Crystal Lake in this film, but 14 year old me just couldn't sell the old man on horror history.
What I Expected:
Camp slasher movie with a guy in the most famous hockey mask in the world.
What I Got:
Uh. Well.
So I had no idea what i was getting myself into. It turns out that I had seen most of the kills previously, probably via youtube, but the whole last reel was still very new to me. For a movie that is about the most iconic horror villain of all time, it sure doesnt have a whole lot of him. There are only four people who have sex in the film, all of whom are murdered, but there are like four more victims who never even take their pants off. Turns out that its actually "ki-ki-ki-ma-ma-ma." Not at all what i was expecting, but man was it a fun ride. I don't think im gonna summarize the film here like I did with the previous two movies, but needless to say some people show up at a camp, they get murdered, some crazy old woman is murdering them because she thinks her son is telling her to avenge his death at the hands of negligent camp counselors, she gets murdered, a rotting kid jumps out of a lake.
How I Felt:
I liked this movie a lot. It felt lighthearted in a way that didnt detract from the scares and scary in a way that didnt detract from the emotional pull. Mrs. Voorhees is an awesome villain, especially when you are expecting something a lot more foreboding. A jeep pulls up and you're sitting there expecting big bad Jason, with mask and machete, ready for some murdering, but nope its just a doddering old mom. And she has a machete. All the characters felt really likable, from kinda creepy Steve, dorky and horny Neddy, and almost matronly Brenda to protective and responsible Bill, over-compensatingly masculine Jack, and his condescending girlfriend Marcie, to heroine Alice. Alice is really pretty, i feel like i need to point that out. I was definitely cheering for her to survive and also cheering for her to lose at Strip Monopoly.
The special effects are absolutely great. There's something about seeing an ax embedded in someone's face in a highly-detailed way for only a few seconds that really shows pride in the effects' guy's work. I love these late-70s, early-80s special effects due to how resourceful and creative you had to be, and it really shows in movies like this. I'm also a fan of the jump scares and the music cues to them. You get this break in the score right before something cool happens and it really preps you for the jump, i think. All in all, i'm really glad i've finally seen this piece of history.
View This:
However you want, just make sure the volume is loud.
Sequel????
Well, I have ten Friday the 13th movies at the moment, of which i have only seen Jason X, the one about Jason in space, so i think i'll be able to try to get through nine more plus the 2009 remake. Kind of excited to see the evolution of Jason over 30 years.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Sleepaway Camp (1983)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleepaway_Camp
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086320/
What I Knew:
Literally nothing besides it is supposed to have the most unexpected ending to a horror movie ever apparently.
What I Expected:
Very little. Thinking a watered down Friday the 13th.
What I Got:
Holy God.
Its got a fairly normal slasher set up. Kid's father and sibling are killed by a motorboat driven by reckless children. Kid gets sent to live with Crazy Aunt Who Can't Act And Is Constantly Breaking The Fourth Wall. Eight years later, Crazy Aunt sends the kids to the same summer camp where the killings took place. Angela, the protagonist and only survivor of that horrific crash, is entirely mute and gets picked on a lot because of it. Her cousin, Ricky, is a dick but in a good way. He sticks up for her when the bad dicks, including pothead Kenny and older ringleader Billy, are mean. The baddest dicks of them all are Angela's counselor, Meg, and her bunkmate, Judy. Also at the camp are head counselor Ronnie, owner Mel, and head chef Artie. Ronnie is enthusiastic about camping, Mel is enthusiastic about money, and Artie is enthusiastic about raping children.
Soon into the summer Artie corners Angela with intent to rape, only to be stopped at the last minute by Ricky. A few minutes later Artie is maimed very, very badly when a child-sized pot of water is dumped on him by an unknown camper. Mel covers it up. Later, Billy goads Kenny and one of his dope bros into trying to pick up poor, mute, and assumed handicapped Angela. Kenny quickly gives up and just brutally makes fun of her to her face. This prompts a brawl between Billy and his gang and Ricky and his best friend Paul. After the fight gets broken up, Ricky and Billy's gang are hauled off to their cabins while Paul is left to console Angela. He is nice to her, unlike literally everyone except Ricky and Ronnie, and tells her some zany stories about previous years at camp. As Paul leaves for bed Angela utters her first words: "Good night."
Later that night Ricky smokes a bunch of weed while a bunch of Billy's Boys try to unsuccessfully talk some ugly girls into skinny dipping. Ricky gets the bright idea of convincing a girl to take a canoe ride with him so he can make a series of really lame dick jokes. It works and Ricky basks in his victory while hiding in a flipped canoe singing songs to himself. He then gets drowned by a Mysterious Camper. A little while later, Paul and Angela are making out on the beach. Paul tries to undo her top and she flips out and runs away. Immediately before running away however, she has a flashback of her father having sex with another dude. Yeah.
Billy throws a water balloon at Angela and he is the next to go. He is locked in the bathroom while taking a poo and bees are set loose on him. Mel is convinced that Ricky is the murderer now and stops Ricky from intervening when Meg and Judy throw a very traumatized Angela into the water. The lifeguard calls Meg a "peckerhead."
Its the night of the big social. Ricky is grounded because he is suspected of murder so he can't go. Meanwhile a counselor I don't think we have ever seen before is in charge of taking a bunch of lil campers out to the woods to camp. Meg has a big date with Mel and has to use an abandon cabin's shower to clean herself up. She is basically just asking to be murdered and she is. Angela tells Paul to meet her at the waterside after social. Judy is then murdered by being stabbed to death with a curling iron. Then three of the lil campers are hatcheted to death.
Mel goes on a frantic search for Meg, discovers her corpse and vows revenge. He tracks Ricky down and beats him to near death. At this point it gets Amazing. It transcends the genre and puts Sleepaway Camp into a league of its own.
How I Felt:
Amazed. The last 20 seconds of that movie are out of this world. Something that needs to be experienced. I want to talk about it but I. like, don't want to spoil it. It is so good. The entire movie really is an above average slash flick. Thrills, chills, et cetera. But man that end.
My Viewing Recommendation:
Anytime. All the time. Never stop watching Sleepaway Camp.
Would I Watch A Sequel?
Absolutely. I would watch all the sequels. There are apparently four, with two more on the way in the next year. I'm very excited to Return to Sleepaway Camp.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086320/
What I Knew:
Literally nothing besides it is supposed to have the most unexpected ending to a horror movie ever apparently.
What I Expected:
Very little. Thinking a watered down Friday the 13th.
What I Got:
Holy God.
Its got a fairly normal slasher set up. Kid's father and sibling are killed by a motorboat driven by reckless children. Kid gets sent to live with Crazy Aunt Who Can't Act And Is Constantly Breaking The Fourth Wall. Eight years later, Crazy Aunt sends the kids to the same summer camp where the killings took place. Angela, the protagonist and only survivor of that horrific crash, is entirely mute and gets picked on a lot because of it. Her cousin, Ricky, is a dick but in a good way. He sticks up for her when the bad dicks, including pothead Kenny and older ringleader Billy, are mean. The baddest dicks of them all are Angela's counselor, Meg, and her bunkmate, Judy. Also at the camp are head counselor Ronnie, owner Mel, and head chef Artie. Ronnie is enthusiastic about camping, Mel is enthusiastic about money, and Artie is enthusiastic about raping children.
Soon into the summer Artie corners Angela with intent to rape, only to be stopped at the last minute by Ricky. A few minutes later Artie is maimed very, very badly when a child-sized pot of water is dumped on him by an unknown camper. Mel covers it up. Later, Billy goads Kenny and one of his dope bros into trying to pick up poor, mute, and assumed handicapped Angela. Kenny quickly gives up and just brutally makes fun of her to her face. This prompts a brawl between Billy and his gang and Ricky and his best friend Paul. After the fight gets broken up, Ricky and Billy's gang are hauled off to their cabins while Paul is left to console Angela. He is nice to her, unlike literally everyone except Ricky and Ronnie, and tells her some zany stories about previous years at camp. As Paul leaves for bed Angela utters her first words: "Good night."
Later that night Ricky smokes a bunch of weed while a bunch of Billy's Boys try to unsuccessfully talk some ugly girls into skinny dipping. Ricky gets the bright idea of convincing a girl to take a canoe ride with him so he can make a series of really lame dick jokes. It works and Ricky basks in his victory while hiding in a flipped canoe singing songs to himself. He then gets drowned by a Mysterious Camper. A little while later, Paul and Angela are making out on the beach. Paul tries to undo her top and she flips out and runs away. Immediately before running away however, she has a flashback of her father having sex with another dude. Yeah.
Billy throws a water balloon at Angela and he is the next to go. He is locked in the bathroom while taking a poo and bees are set loose on him. Mel is convinced that Ricky is the murderer now and stops Ricky from intervening when Meg and Judy throw a very traumatized Angela into the water. The lifeguard calls Meg a "peckerhead."
Its the night of the big social. Ricky is grounded because he is suspected of murder so he can't go. Meanwhile a counselor I don't think we have ever seen before is in charge of taking a bunch of lil campers out to the woods to camp. Meg has a big date with Mel and has to use an abandon cabin's shower to clean herself up. She is basically just asking to be murdered and she is. Angela tells Paul to meet her at the waterside after social. Judy is then murdered by being stabbed to death with a curling iron. Then three of the lil campers are hatcheted to death.
Mel goes on a frantic search for Meg, discovers her corpse and vows revenge. He tracks Ricky down and beats him to near death. At this point it gets Amazing. It transcends the genre and puts Sleepaway Camp into a league of its own.
How I Felt:
Amazed. The last 20 seconds of that movie are out of this world. Something that needs to be experienced. I want to talk about it but I. like, don't want to spoil it. It is so good. The entire movie really is an above average slash flick. Thrills, chills, et cetera. But man that end.
My Viewing Recommendation:
Anytime. All the time. Never stop watching Sleepaway Camp.
Would I Watch A Sequel?
Absolutely. I would watch all the sequels. There are apparently four, with two more on the way in the next year. I'm very excited to Return to Sleepaway Camp.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant (2009)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cirque_du_Freak:_The_Vampire's_Assistant
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0450405/
What I Knew About This Movie Ahead of Time:
Initially nothing, but as the download neared 100% my curiosity got the better of me and I looked it up on wikipedia and rotten tomatoes. I learned that John C. Riley, Ken Wantanabe, and Salma Hayek are in it and it is based on a series of young adult fiction novels I have never heard of. It also got middling reviews on RT but i didnt look too deeply, wanting to keep myself more in the dark.
What I Expected:
Based on the title alone, I kind of anticipated a Horrorfest title with maybe a juggalo slant. I'm not sure whether I'm disappointed or relieved that a more educated me later began to expect Twilight For Boys.
What I Got:
"Darren, I let you drink my blood. Sure, you can kiss me."
The first 20 minutes of the movie are Quality. Starts off totally Dead Like Me, takes a turn directly for Goosebumps, and ends up in a very satisfying, if unimaginative, freakshow scene. The movie could have comfortably stretched that scene out for another hour and I for one would have walked away happy. But it doesn't.
So, Darren is dead and he is playing snake on his T-Mobile phone and also he is at his own funeral in a casket. Flashback to a few days earlier, Darren is a cool, popular, normal kid. His secret best friend, Steve, is, in classic Apatow terms, a freak. Darren's got a great background, stable loving family, perfect grades, wears khaki pants literally all the time. Steve, on the other hand, never met his father, his mother is an abusive drunk, he gets in more fights than he does pass tests, and is on the fast track to failure. The scenes where we meet Darren and Steve are sincerely funny. They crib heavily from similar work, but thats not a bad thing with execution like this. Then, like I said before, it gets Goosebumpy.
Darren is obsessed with spiders, Steve is obsessed with vampires. A creepy limousine gives them a flyer to an illegal art exhibit/show called "Cirque du Freak." They go. It is a freakshow. It is legitimately entertaining and like I said, I would rather watch Ken Wantanabe (a giant), Salma Hayek (a bearded woman), Orlando Jones (a man with no abdomen), Kristen Schaal (not really sure what her thing was), John C. Riley (an undead magician with a spider fetish), et al, do freaky cg things for an hour in front of a small, horrified crowd than the actual next hour.
The boys' math teacher shows up with the cops and shuts the freakshow down on moral grounds, but it turns out that the liberal feel good "normal" people who want to "save" the freaks from exploitation hate the freaks more than those that paid to see them. Typical "normals" imo. Darren wants to take a closer look at John C. Riley's spider, so he hides in his closet as Riley and Wilem Defoe (!!!) have a conversation about vampires, vampinese, and being the last of the mofreakins. Willem Defoe saying "We're the last of the Mofreakins" is probably the highest post-freakshow moment of the film. Its just one long, dry, motivationless spiral from there as we are sucked in to the most boring intrigue this side of the West Wing.
Vampires and Vampinese were at war, but John C. Riley and Willem Defoe managed to beat the Vampinese into accepting a truce eighty years ago. Some fat bald guy called Mr. Tiny wants to restart the war to bring to pass the end of the world. Darren, in the closet, is about as confused as I was. Not sure if that's a good sign or not. Steve busts into the room and reveals that he knows John C. Riley's secret. John C. Riley says Steve has Bad Blood, tries to be threatening (that doesnt really work because he's Dr. Steve Brule), and chases Steve out of the room. Darren narrowly escapes, is kidnapped by Mr. Tiny, and arrives safely at home.
The next day at school, Steve gets bit by Riley's kidnapped spider and goes into a coma. Darren sacrifices his immortal soul to save his Secret Best Friend. Darren is a vampire under the thrall of John C. Riley, but Riley seems more interested in making Darren do housework. I'm still not really sure why Darren had to become a vampire to save Steve and do vampiric laundry, they're never clear on the reasons and because of this the rest of the movie feels entirely arbitrary. I know its supposed to convey a kind of "innocent kid gets sucked into an ancient war against his will" Buffy thing, but there is literally no motivation for any of the characters to do anything from now to the end of the movie.
Darren fakes his death, joins the Cirque du Freak, makes some friends, including monkey girl Rebecca, and insists that he's not a freak even though he's a vampire. Yeah, right, Darren. Steve figures out that Darren is not all-the-way dead and vows to have his revenge. Because Steve wanted to be a vampire. But Darren became a vampire to save Steve from I don't even know becoming Spider-man I guess. So Steve is pissed. Steve gets turned into a vampire by the vampinese. The key difference between the vampires and the vampinese is that the vampinese love killing dudes, but the vampires sort of regret it and after hundreds of years figured out how to drink blood non-lethally. Steve loves killing dudes and draining their blood. Darren doesn't. In fact, Darren is a vegetarian.
Eventually, Mr. Tiny's vampinese goons raid the Cirque and kidnap the monkey girl. Meanwhile, Steve kidnaps Darren's family. They have a showdown. John C. Riley fights Steve's vampinese mentor. Darren fights Steve, but realizes that being a vegetarian vampire makes you weak. Not enough iron in your diet. He gets trounced by Steve but eventually takes a sip from his monkey girlfriend and is now evenly matched with his bloodthirsty best friend. Its all pretty formulaic. Finally, John C. Riley spills the first blood in the new vampire/vampinese war, Steve joins Mr. Tiny once and for all because its his "destiny" or something, and Darren has to prepare for the coming war. He kisses Rebecca and all is well. Darren is now a Freak.
How I Felt:
This movie is schizophrenic. I'm not sure who it's supposed to be targeting and I don't think it knows, either. It jumps around from fairly campy, funny horror for kids to self-serious vampire politics to completely forgettable, wacky fantasy slapstick. Also it swears a lot. It is PG-13, but, being based on Young Adult Fiction, I figured it would be a little more family-friendly. I really couldn't seem to lock down a demographic though. It seems that most of it is targeted directly at 12 year old boys who want a movie about being a kick-ass vampire who kicks vampire ass that he can watch when his 14 year old sister is having a Twilight party in the basement, but the first 20 minutes fly entirely in the face of that. I'll admit that I laughed out loud at the part in the beginning when Darren's dad is explaining to him what the meaning of life is and it's scenes like that that make the rest of the film so disappointing. But luckily John C. Riley is funny, and there are enough jokes scattered throughout to stop it from being a total wash. The soundtrack is also pretty solid and there is some heavily implied incest if you look at the vampires as Anne Rice vamps, so that's a plus.
The movie would have vastly improved if it either took itself more seriously or not seriously at all. You've got set-ups without punchlines and punchlines set up by twenty minutes of droll "freakiness." The first 20 minutes are seriously great though and drew me in enough to want to finish the film.
My Viewing Recommendation:
Empty Saturday afternoon with people who have a fairly boring sense of humor, refuse to watch R-rated films, and wont walk out if Darren says "shit" a bunch or people who don't mind an hour and twenty minutes of tedium in exchange for twenty minutes of silly but compelling entertainment.
Would I Watch A Sequel:
Yes, as long as John C. Riley and Willem Defoe are involved and there's a Nick Cave song I want to listen to in it. I would sure hope it follows the first twenty minutes of The Vampire's Assistant though.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0450405/
What I Knew About This Movie Ahead of Time:
Initially nothing, but as the download neared 100% my curiosity got the better of me and I looked it up on wikipedia and rotten tomatoes. I learned that John C. Riley, Ken Wantanabe, and Salma Hayek are in it and it is based on a series of young adult fiction novels I have never heard of. It also got middling reviews on RT but i didnt look too deeply, wanting to keep myself more in the dark.
What I Expected:
Based on the title alone, I kind of anticipated a Horrorfest title with maybe a juggalo slant. I'm not sure whether I'm disappointed or relieved that a more educated me later began to expect Twilight For Boys.
What I Got:
"Darren, I let you drink my blood. Sure, you can kiss me."
The first 20 minutes of the movie are Quality. Starts off totally Dead Like Me, takes a turn directly for Goosebumps, and ends up in a very satisfying, if unimaginative, freakshow scene. The movie could have comfortably stretched that scene out for another hour and I for one would have walked away happy. But it doesn't.
So, Darren is dead and he is playing snake on his T-Mobile phone and also he is at his own funeral in a casket. Flashback to a few days earlier, Darren is a cool, popular, normal kid. His secret best friend, Steve, is, in classic Apatow terms, a freak. Darren's got a great background, stable loving family, perfect grades, wears khaki pants literally all the time. Steve, on the other hand, never met his father, his mother is an abusive drunk, he gets in more fights than he does pass tests, and is on the fast track to failure. The scenes where we meet Darren and Steve are sincerely funny. They crib heavily from similar work, but thats not a bad thing with execution like this. Then, like I said before, it gets Goosebumpy.
Darren is obsessed with spiders, Steve is obsessed with vampires. A creepy limousine gives them a flyer to an illegal art exhibit/show called "Cirque du Freak." They go. It is a freakshow. It is legitimately entertaining and like I said, I would rather watch Ken Wantanabe (a giant), Salma Hayek (a bearded woman), Orlando Jones (a man with no abdomen), Kristen Schaal (not really sure what her thing was), John C. Riley (an undead magician with a spider fetish), et al, do freaky cg things for an hour in front of a small, horrified crowd than the actual next hour.
The boys' math teacher shows up with the cops and shuts the freakshow down on moral grounds, but it turns out that the liberal feel good "normal" people who want to "save" the freaks from exploitation hate the freaks more than those that paid to see them. Typical "normals" imo. Darren wants to take a closer look at John C. Riley's spider, so he hides in his closet as Riley and Wilem Defoe (!!!) have a conversation about vampires, vampinese, and being the last of the mofreakins. Willem Defoe saying "We're the last of the Mofreakins" is probably the highest post-freakshow moment of the film. Its just one long, dry, motivationless spiral from there as we are sucked in to the most boring intrigue this side of the West Wing.
Vampires and Vampinese were at war, but John C. Riley and Willem Defoe managed to beat the Vampinese into accepting a truce eighty years ago. Some fat bald guy called Mr. Tiny wants to restart the war to bring to pass the end of the world. Darren, in the closet, is about as confused as I was. Not sure if that's a good sign or not. Steve busts into the room and reveals that he knows John C. Riley's secret. John C. Riley says Steve has Bad Blood, tries to be threatening (that doesnt really work because he's Dr. Steve Brule), and chases Steve out of the room. Darren narrowly escapes, is kidnapped by Mr. Tiny, and arrives safely at home.
The next day at school, Steve gets bit by Riley's kidnapped spider and goes into a coma. Darren sacrifices his immortal soul to save his Secret Best Friend. Darren is a vampire under the thrall of John C. Riley, but Riley seems more interested in making Darren do housework. I'm still not really sure why Darren had to become a vampire to save Steve and do vampiric laundry, they're never clear on the reasons and because of this the rest of the movie feels entirely arbitrary. I know its supposed to convey a kind of "innocent kid gets sucked into an ancient war against his will" Buffy thing, but there is literally no motivation for any of the characters to do anything from now to the end of the movie.
Darren fakes his death, joins the Cirque du Freak, makes some friends, including monkey girl Rebecca, and insists that he's not a freak even though he's a vampire. Yeah, right, Darren. Steve figures out that Darren is not all-the-way dead and vows to have his revenge. Because Steve wanted to be a vampire. But Darren became a vampire to save Steve from I don't even know becoming Spider-man I guess. So Steve is pissed. Steve gets turned into a vampire by the vampinese. The key difference between the vampires and the vampinese is that the vampinese love killing dudes, but the vampires sort of regret it and after hundreds of years figured out how to drink blood non-lethally. Steve loves killing dudes and draining their blood. Darren doesn't. In fact, Darren is a vegetarian.
Eventually, Mr. Tiny's vampinese goons raid the Cirque and kidnap the monkey girl. Meanwhile, Steve kidnaps Darren's family. They have a showdown. John C. Riley fights Steve's vampinese mentor. Darren fights Steve, but realizes that being a vegetarian vampire makes you weak. Not enough iron in your diet. He gets trounced by Steve but eventually takes a sip from his monkey girlfriend and is now evenly matched with his bloodthirsty best friend. Its all pretty formulaic. Finally, John C. Riley spills the first blood in the new vampire/vampinese war, Steve joins Mr. Tiny once and for all because its his "destiny" or something, and Darren has to prepare for the coming war. He kisses Rebecca and all is well. Darren is now a Freak.
How I Felt:
This movie is schizophrenic. I'm not sure who it's supposed to be targeting and I don't think it knows, either. It jumps around from fairly campy, funny horror for kids to self-serious vampire politics to completely forgettable, wacky fantasy slapstick. Also it swears a lot. It is PG-13, but, being based on Young Adult Fiction, I figured it would be a little more family-friendly. I really couldn't seem to lock down a demographic though. It seems that most of it is targeted directly at 12 year old boys who want a movie about being a kick-ass vampire who kicks vampire ass that he can watch when his 14 year old sister is having a Twilight party in the basement, but the first 20 minutes fly entirely in the face of that. I'll admit that I laughed out loud at the part in the beginning when Darren's dad is explaining to him what the meaning of life is and it's scenes like that that make the rest of the film so disappointing. But luckily John C. Riley is funny, and there are enough jokes scattered throughout to stop it from being a total wash. The soundtrack is also pretty solid and there is some heavily implied incest if you look at the vampires as Anne Rice vamps, so that's a plus.
The movie would have vastly improved if it either took itself more seriously or not seriously at all. You've got set-ups without punchlines and punchlines set up by twenty minutes of droll "freakiness." The first 20 minutes are seriously great though and drew me in enough to want to finish the film.
My Viewing Recommendation:
Empty Saturday afternoon with people who have a fairly boring sense of humor, refuse to watch R-rated films, and wont walk out if Darren says "shit" a bunch or people who don't mind an hour and twenty minutes of tedium in exchange for twenty minutes of silly but compelling entertainment.
Would I Watch A Sequel:
Yes, as long as John C. Riley and Willem Defoe are involved and there's a Nick Cave song I want to listen to in it. I would sure hope it follows the first twenty minutes of The Vampire's Assistant though.
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