What I Knew:
:[
What I Got:
A Horror Inc. Production
Some punks are smoking while a terrible 80s pop song plays. Why do I keep doing this to myself. Some punks mug a businessman. Mister Miyagi is eating at a diner with Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Some punks do crack. Yes, this truly is the Manhattan experience.
Back at Crystal Lake, some people are having sex on a boat. They've gotta throw the anchor over. While they recap the last seven movies, the anchor hooks a power cable and begins bringing Jason back to life. The girl hears a spooky noise and the boy goes to check it out. Jason is also checking it out. The boy pulls a prank on her by putting on a Jason mask and stabbing her with a fake knife. The girl is irritated. Good thing they brought a Jason mask on the boat trip as Jason makes quick use of it and finds a spear gun. The couple resumes having sex as Jason cocks the gun and methodically takes aim. He misses and the girl flees. The guy is stunned and gets his intestines ripped out. Jason picks the spear up and begins stalking. This stalking is at least 20 times better than the cabin stalking from the last two movies. Jason finds the girl and she begs for her life as Jason plunges the spear into her chest. He's back.
Meanwhile, a girl, her mother, and her dog pull up to a port on what i am assuming is the hudson river. The girl is gifted Stephen King's fountain pen. "You have a gift, and if there's anyone who can make use of that pen, its you." Its certainly not Stephen King! ZING! A dude is swabbing the poop deck of a cruise ship when he sees a ghost ship float into port. The cruise ship is the Crystal Lake High senior class trip boat to New York City. The Stephen King Pen Girl, Rennie apparently?, is not supposed to be there.
The captain relinquishes control of the cruise ship "Lazarus" (lol) to his son, who is also on the class trip. He gives his son a sextant as well. His son screws up and storms out. Jason starts climbing up the anchor. The poop deck swabber says the voyage is doomed.
The sextant boy Sean and pen girl Rennie have a conversation. Sean gives her a statue of liberty pendant. They are in awe of a 22 story statue. Rennie's uncle Charles, the principal apparently, interrupts them and sends Sean off. Cant be admiring statues on this cruise! Meanwhile, a girl, JJ, plays a sick guitar solo while a bro, Wayne, tapes a "shockumentary."
JJ goes downstairs to play sick guitar riffs below deck. Uncle Charles starts echoing while lecturing Rennie. Rennie is afraid of something and thats why she's on the boat even though Charles doesnt want her there. JJ is slammin licks like no one's business. Jason makes his way down to greet her. Jason is a jazz fusion fan and cant stand what the 80s have done to rock and roll. He puts her ax through her face.
Rennie talks to her dog while Jason watches on. She has auditory hallucinations. I really hope this isnt another super-powered victim Friday movie. Part VII was about all I could stand of that. She hallucinates seeing Jason drown in a porthole.
Some manly bros are boxing in a very terrible way while some girls spy on them through a sky light.The 80s were a weird time for hot guys. Charles lands a sick burn on Wayne while the spying girls do cocaine. Rennie interrupts them looking for her dog. She wanders down empty hallways, or should i say nearly empty hallways, as Jason is stalking her. Charles stumbles across the coke gals. The coke girls reveal that Rennie is afraid of water.
A bro is steaming himself in the sauna. Jason has other plans, picking one of those hot rocks up and sticking it in the bro's chest until he dies. Jason casually leaves.
Rennie and the woman she rode in with, her english teacher i think, are walking perilously close to the edge when the coke girls shove Rennie into the water. The teacher throws Rennie a life preserver. Rennie panics and hallucinates seeing Jason pull her under. Sean dives in and saves her. Charles freaks out. The poop deck swabber fortells deaths ominously. Rennie goes to the bathroom to wash up and the faucet starts running with blood and lil kid Jason reaches out of the mirror and tries to grab her.
One of the coke girls tries to seduce Charles. She shows him her biology project, which is just drawings of organs on her naked body. Wayne catches them on camera. It is an unsuccessful seduction, though Wayne catches just enough to incriminate him. That apparently was the shockumentary he spoke of earlier. Wayne has had the major hots for coke girl, Tamra, since sophomore year and he finally tells her. Tamra blows him off and kicks him out.
Tamra goes to take a shower. As she's drying off, Jason decides now would be a good time to join her. He punches through the bathroom door, tears her robe off, and throws her into a mirror. Jason grabs a shard of broken glass and stabs her.
It is thunderstorming and the captain is trying to safely navigate them to New York. I'm starting to doubt they are going to make it there. A half an hour in and Jason hasnt taken any cities, let alone manhattan. He does, however, take the first mate's life while the captain uses the restroom. He then slits the captains throat in slow motion.
Sean and Rennie try to escape just to find the captain's corpse propped up like he's driving the boat. He calls everyone to the bridge where they also see the corpses. Sean radios the coast guard but Jason cuts the radio before they can establish communication. The poop swabbist comes to tell them that Jason is the killer. Charles tries to kill him. "Walking corpses are not real," says Charles. The black boxer develops a plan to hunt down and kill Jason. Charles tries to stop him, but "school is out motherfucker."
Rennie is dropping the anchors and Jason is very interested in that. She comes face to face with Charles who reverses the anchor dropping because dropping anchor in a storm doesnt make sense???
The asian coke girl finds Tamra's body and also her killer. She stumbles into some kind of a nightclub. Jason is in no mood for dancing. All the doors are locked and Jason has very poor posture. He can also teleport. He strangles her to death and then throws her so hard the record stops playing.
The black boxer gathers up weapons. He refuses to carry a weapon, except no he's got a shotgun. The boys search the ship independently. Wayne goes to look for JJ. Wayne's glasses fall off. Wayne shoots and kills a classmate. Jason shows up and breaks his camera. Wayne takes off running. He trips over JJs bloody guitar and lands on her corpse. Jason throws him into some kind of memory bank where he catches fire.
Charles has locked Rennie in her room and goes to berate Sean on not being able to drive the ship well. While Wayne's body sets a blaze, Jason sets off the fire alarm. Charles thinks its a prank and is going to murder the deckhand.
Meanwhile, up on deck, a guy with an axe tries to kill Jason only to be disarmed. He flees, Jason teleports in front of him. He climbs a ladder, Jason teleports next to him. The black boxer saw the falling weapon and finds the battered corpse. Jason throws him into the drink.
Rennie is trying to break out of her room. She has some more Lil Jason hallucinations as the real Jason attacks her and tries to strangle her through a porthole. She stabs him in the eye with Stephen King's pen. Jason bleeds purple water. Sean shows up and breaks her out while the ship begins to explode.
Charles is hunting down the deckhand with a flare gun. The deckhand jumps him and threatens him with a butcher knife before running off.
The ship starts to flood and Sean and Rennie act out that scene from Titanic ten years before it was shot. Charles confronts Sean. Sean is a baby. Everyone is dead except the english teacher, Charles, Rennie, Sean, and the deckhand, but the deckhand has an ax in his back. The four survivors pile into a lifeboat as Jason ominously watches. Charles and Sean do a very poor job of rowing. BUT WAIT DEAR READER, THE BLACK BOXER IS STILL ALIVE AND JUMP SCARES HIS WAY INTO THE LIFEBOAT. The five row away into the stormy night. They are all wearing life vests. Sean's gigantic 80s GPS thing finds their location. How is there a half hour left everyone is either dead or lost at sea.
They finally arrive in New York. They are approaching it from what looks like a mile out in the atlantic. Jason also arrives in new york and sees a billboard of himself. The five of them get mugged by some punks, one of whom takes Rennie's necklace. The necklace stealer tries to kill Rennie's dog but she stops him. He then threatens to rape her and kidnaps her. Charles stops the black guy Julius from stopping them.
Charles storms off in the opposite direction. The rapists didnt even take the cheap necklace as Sean finds it on the ground.
The rapists bring her back to their hideout and forceably inject crack into her before raping her. She spits in their face. Jason finds a hypo laying on the ground nearby and just hates littering. He jabs it straight through the guy's body. The second rapist sees Jason and shoots him. We know by now how useful that is. He keeps dumping rounds into Jason while Rennie tries to get out from underneath the dead rapist. Jason hits the second guy's head into a pipe as Rennie escapes.
Julius finds a payphone and dials 911. Jason prevents the call from going through. They've gone from the port authority to midtown very quickly. Jason teleports up to the rooftop where Julius is hiding. Julius tries to box the inhuman monster. He is doing a mostly good job until he runs out of steam and Jason punches his head clean off his body, off the roof, down a slide, and into a dumpster which slams shut.
Rennie is lost in new york and there is no bird lady to help her. Sean finds her though and they commune on Jason. They reunite with Charles, the english teacher, and a police officer. The cop has a very thick accent. Jason has placed Julius' head on the cop's dashboard. He then murders the cop by pressing his radio into his throat. Rennie steals the cop the car with everyone inside and runs over Jason. She starts to have a hallucination of Lil Jason, goes into slow motion, and crashes the car. Charles, Sean, and Rennie manage to get out but the car explodes with the teacher still inside. Three left.
Rennie has a flashback. Charles is trying to teach her how to swim by telling her terrifying Jason stories and then shoving her into the water. This is an awful way to teach a kid. How is he a teacher.
Rennie and Sean run off, leaving Jason and Charles alone. Charles tries to run and makes it to an abandoned warehouse where he is thrown out the window by Jason. He is then thrown into a trash can and drowned.
Rennie, who i think is still high, is sitting in a recliner in an alley, telling Sean about her dead parents. They kiss. Jason does not like that one bit. They run into the subway as Jason chases them, but Jason is already on the train! They run from car to car, but eventually reach the end of the line and are forced to pull the emergency break. They escape past some graffiti that says Jason Lives. They shove Jason onto the third rail. There is no way he's coming back from that!
They surface in Time Square. Sean says, "its over," but Jason is standing right behind him. Sean and Rennie take in the lights before spotting their erstwhile killer. Some punks see them run by. Jason breaks their stereo and they pull knives on them. Jason takes off his mask and scares them into running away.
Sean and Rennie run into a diner where the waitress refuses to let her call 911. Jason bursts through the door and starts messing up the place. Sean and Rennie escape out the back only to be met with a dead end. Jason finds them. They run into the sewer, Jason follows them. A sewer worker scares them and tells them that toxic waste is going to flood the sewer.
Ambushes them and caves the sewer bro's head in with a wrench. He is about to do the same to Sean when Rennie shines a flashlight at him. Rennie runs and eventually throws acid at him. Jason takes off his mask again. He looks stupider now than he did in Part II and really, that's saying something. Rennie runs back to Sean and they try to flee the sewer.
Their escape is hindered by a monster grabbing their leg. Jason vomits a bunch of water out and is crushed by tons of toxic waste. Jason, not quite double dead, starts screaming and having flashbacks. The toxic waste subsides revealing the body of a little boy. Jason's mask floats downstream. They abandon the boy.
Sean and Rennie try to go on with their trip even though everyone they know is dead.
How I Felt:
THIS IS A BAD MOVIE. THIS IS A BAD BAD MOVIE.
Sequel:
Jason Goes to Hell and Jason X before i can start watching movies that arent entirely awful.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988)
What I Knew:
Why do i keep doing this to myself. Also, apparently "Many fans have also considered this film to be a crossover to Stephen King's Carrie due to the main protagonist having telekinetic powers." Thanks wikipedia. Also apparently this is the one with the infamous sleeping bag kill, though i don't know if its edited or not.
What I Got:
Oh great, a recap of the last six movies. Thats my favorite part about Friday movies. They did a pretty good job editing Part VI into a not entirely retarded film. Aw, there's no "Jason Bond" thing in this one. Pretty disappointed.
Jason is right where we left him in Part 6, at the bottom of Crystal Lake. Over at shore, a guy beats a woman until a little girl runs away. Jason is now a metaphor for domestic abuse. Well, the little girl canoes out to the middle of the lake and telekinetically murders her abusive father. Ten years later, she is in a car with her surviving mother and seeing a Dr. Cruise at Crystal Lake. Crystal Lake, not Forest Green. I really hate these movies. It looks like Dr. Cruise's office is at Camp Crystal Lake. Maybe its Pinehurst. It looks like the same cabin Jason destroys every year. Oh, its actually telekinetic Tina's old home where she killed her dad. Also there are teenagers camping there.
Tina is seeing things and being video recorded by Dr. Cruise during their session. Dr. Cruise is trying to manipulate her into using telekinesis. It works and she moves it. Also she's pyrokinetic. Tina runs out to the lake in a huff, has a flashback to a scene we just saw, and accidentally resurfaces Jason. Dr. Cruise tries to write the wet monster emerging from Lake Blood as a hallucination of Tina's father.
A couple is on their way to a birthday party at the cabin next door to Tina's. Tina is attending that party. The couple's car breaks down and they begin wandering through the woods of Crystal Lake. The bro in the couple stops to take a leak and Jason kills his girl. He returns to find her pinned to a tree with some kind of blade. He takes off running and Jason stalks after him. He throws the blade and it stabs the bro in the back. He crawls away and Jason just picks him up by the blade, killing him.
At the party, Tina meets a nerd. She also meets a bunch of other awful people, who she has visions of dying. Her psychiatrist doesnt believe her.
A man and a woman are camping, I'm not sure if we're supposed to know them yet or not. The man goes to gather wood with a machete. Jason punches a hole through his chest and steals his weapon. The woman is wearing some ugly underwear. Jason hauls her out of the tent, dragging her along in the sleeping bag and kills her by slapping her against a tree. So Great.
Tina is bad at flirting. Jason is bad at hiding. So is the Snooty Girl from the party.
The dopehead just rolled a huge blunt. The snooty girl reveals her crazy secret and Tina destroys her pearl necklace. The doctor says she's dangerous. She throws a TV at him with her mind. As she escapes the house, Nick confronts her and Tina tells him she wants to run away because she had a vision of Michael getting killed. Nick calls her "Jenny." Tina's mom says she is making her leave come morning.
Skinny Dipping at Night. These two skinny dippers are the most annoying characters in any Friday movie to date. I am relishing in their death. Jason slashes the male one in the face and then teleports into the lake to kill the girl. Good riddance.
The dopehead likes girls who don't sweat. The ugly girl is putting on makeup in order to impress him. Jason is dragging a bloody corpse out of the lake.
Dr. Cruise decides to take a walk in the woods and finds a corpse. Michael's corpse. Tina's mom finds the murder weapon in Dr. Cruise's desk along with a video tape. The tape reveals that Dr. Cruise is a dick. Dr. Cruise returns and confronts Tina's mom. Tina steals a car and runs away. She has a vision of Jason killing her mom which causes her to wreck the car. They are all trapped now in Crystal Lake.
The ugly girl stole the snooty girl's clothes and jewelry and darts off into the woods to find the dopehead. She loses and earring and bends down to look for it only to stand up and see a corpse landing in front of her. Jason follows her to a toolshed. She thinks she has fooled Jason and tries to escape but alas. Jason is still there and this time he has a sickle. A sickle that comes crashing through the wall and executes her.
Tina is running in the woods and bumps into Nick. Tina's mom and Dr. Cruise are hunting after Tina. Jason has made it to the cabin. Everyone is having sex in the cabin. Everyone is also having sex in the van.
The van people hear Jason but think it is michael trying to give them a good surprise. They decide to surprise him instead. Jason turns the tables yet again and surprises them with murder. He crushes the boy's head and then slams a birthday horn into her eye.
Jason cuts power to the cabin. Nick and Tina run into Michael's corpse. Back at the Cabin, the dopehead goes to track down some grub. He gets butcher knifed by Jason. Tina and Nick find out that Jason Voorhees is the monster. Nick finds out she is telekinetic. I'm having a very hard time paying attention to this movie.
I feel inclined to mention that, usually, i watch these films in one straight burst. No breaks, no pausing, just sit down, watch, type, done. I couldnt do that with this movie. I paused it at 9:09 on friday night and it is now 8:20pm on saturday. I am literally forcing myself to click the play button. I can't remember anything that happened yesterday. I'm doing it.
And of course the first thing that comes out of someone's mouth is "cunt."
Nick and Tina are trying to organize an escape to save everyone, but Jason has other plans. He machetes the nerd. Meanwhile the dopehead's girl is exploring the upstairs and finally finds a cat. Jump scare cat, the staple of Friday the 13th. The girl puts her hand in a puddle of blood (icky), sees an homage to Part II (terrifying), and Jason throws her out a window (boring).
Nick abandons Tina in order to gather up the partiers, but I'm pretty sure they're all dead now. Jason is stalking Tina's mom and Dr. Cruise. Dr. Cruise calls Tina's mom Deborah but im pretty sure her name is Amanda. Jason arrives carrying what appears to be a hockey stick with the end replaced with a big knife. They run and Jason chases them. Dr. Cruise offers Tina's mom up as a sacrifice. She's dead.
Nick finds corpses at the cabin. Also he has a gun. Did this gun reveal happen already? Nick runs back to Tina's cabin to find it empty. Where has Tina gone? Nick readys his gun and almost shoots the snooty girl. He tells the snooty girl that there are dead people. She tells him to get real.
Tina is searching the woods for her mother. She finds Dr. Cruise. Dr. Cruise tells her that she's "gone" and Tina runs into the woods looking for her. Dr. Cruise runs off in the other direction but oh no Jason has a weed whacker and he's not afraid to use it. Dr. Cruise runs and thinks he has escaped before Jason teleports in behind him, punches him down a hill, and weed whacks his guts out.
Tina is still wandering in the woods. She finds her mom's corpse. She finds the corpses of all the other people too. She also finds Jason.
She starts to fight him with telekinesis. First by making him trip into a puddle, then by breaking a telephone line and dropping it in the puddle. Jason is dead. GET REAL. Tina walks over to investigate only to be greeted by a still fully undead Jason Voorhees.
Tina makes it to the Murder Cabin. It is thunderstorming outside and the thunder sounds like gun shots. Jason jumps through a window in slow-motion. Tina slams a door using her mind but for some reason this fails to stop Jason. She then throws a couch, a tree, and a decapitated head at him. These all prove futile. She then collapses the porch balcony on him.
Tina reunites with the Snooty Girl and Nick at her cabin and tells them that Jason is dead. The snooty girl doesnt believe her and opens the front door. Jason is standing there, puts an ax in her skull, and then throws her at a television. Jason has trapped Tina and Nick in the living room. They narrowly manage to escape upstairs but the doors are all locked. Tina squares off with Jason, each on one end of a staircase. She swings a chandelier at him Home Alone-style and he falls backwards, through the staircase, into the basement. Jason then explodes through a wall and begins stomping nick to death.
In retaliation, Tina makes his mask explode, hangs him from another chandelier, and drops him, yet again, into the basement. Jason is on the concrete floor, broken and maskless but alive. He drags Tina down with him and rips off her shirt. Tina shoots nails at him, but the bro's a zombie that aint gonna do anything. She then sprays gasoline at him, gets some on herself, and uses her pyrokinesis to light him up. Jason is a lot less intimidating with his mask. He pinwheels in the flames and eventually collapses. Nick and Tina run from the burning house.
Outside, they make it to the dock before the house explodes. The house explodes. Gonna say that again, the house explodes. Nick comforts Tina as she cries over it all being gone. Jason teleports in behind them and throws Tina up the dock. Nick uselessly shoots him a few times and Jason shoves him into a boat. Jason turns his attention back to Tina as she telekinetically brings her dad back from the dead to drag Jason to the bottom of the lake. What.
The next day, the fire department is still putting out the exploded house. They find Jason's shattered mask, Nick, and Tina. Tina tells Nick that Jason is taken care of. The End........OR IS IT?
How I Felt
I no longer have any emotions thanks to this film. Also according to the credits, the man I've been calling "Dr. Cruise" is actually "Dr. Crews." Sorry, Friday Fans.
Sequel
It can't get worse than this............OR CAN IT
Why do i keep doing this to myself. Also, apparently "Many fans have also considered this film to be a crossover to Stephen King's Carrie due to the main protagonist having telekinetic powers." Thanks wikipedia. Also apparently this is the one with the infamous sleeping bag kill, though i don't know if its edited or not.
What I Got:
Oh great, a recap of the last six movies. Thats my favorite part about Friday movies. They did a pretty good job editing Part VI into a not entirely retarded film. Aw, there's no "Jason Bond" thing in this one. Pretty disappointed.
Jason is right where we left him in Part 6, at the bottom of Crystal Lake. Over at shore, a guy beats a woman until a little girl runs away. Jason is now a metaphor for domestic abuse. Well, the little girl canoes out to the middle of the lake and telekinetically murders her abusive father. Ten years later, she is in a car with her surviving mother and seeing a Dr. Cruise at Crystal Lake. Crystal Lake, not Forest Green. I really hate these movies. It looks like Dr. Cruise's office is at Camp Crystal Lake. Maybe its Pinehurst. It looks like the same cabin Jason destroys every year. Oh, its actually telekinetic Tina's old home where she killed her dad. Also there are teenagers camping there.
Tina is seeing things and being video recorded by Dr. Cruise during their session. Dr. Cruise is trying to manipulate her into using telekinesis. It works and she moves it. Also she's pyrokinetic. Tina runs out to the lake in a huff, has a flashback to a scene we just saw, and accidentally resurfaces Jason. Dr. Cruise tries to write the wet monster emerging from Lake Blood as a hallucination of Tina's father.
A couple is on their way to a birthday party at the cabin next door to Tina's. Tina is attending that party. The couple's car breaks down and they begin wandering through the woods of Crystal Lake. The bro in the couple stops to take a leak and Jason kills his girl. He returns to find her pinned to a tree with some kind of blade. He takes off running and Jason stalks after him. He throws the blade and it stabs the bro in the back. He crawls away and Jason just picks him up by the blade, killing him.
At the party, Tina meets a nerd. She also meets a bunch of other awful people, who she has visions of dying. Her psychiatrist doesnt believe her.
A man and a woman are camping, I'm not sure if we're supposed to know them yet or not. The man goes to gather wood with a machete. Jason punches a hole through his chest and steals his weapon. The woman is wearing some ugly underwear. Jason hauls her out of the tent, dragging her along in the sleeping bag and kills her by slapping her against a tree. So Great.
Tina is bad at flirting. Jason is bad at hiding. So is the Snooty Girl from the party.
The dopehead just rolled a huge blunt. The snooty girl reveals her crazy secret and Tina destroys her pearl necklace. The doctor says she's dangerous. She throws a TV at him with her mind. As she escapes the house, Nick confronts her and Tina tells him she wants to run away because she had a vision of Michael getting killed. Nick calls her "Jenny." Tina's mom says she is making her leave come morning.
Skinny Dipping at Night. These two skinny dippers are the most annoying characters in any Friday movie to date. I am relishing in their death. Jason slashes the male one in the face and then teleports into the lake to kill the girl. Good riddance.
The dopehead likes girls who don't sweat. The ugly girl is putting on makeup in order to impress him. Jason is dragging a bloody corpse out of the lake.
Dr. Cruise decides to take a walk in the woods and finds a corpse. Michael's corpse. Tina's mom finds the murder weapon in Dr. Cruise's desk along with a video tape. The tape reveals that Dr. Cruise is a dick. Dr. Cruise returns and confronts Tina's mom. Tina steals a car and runs away. She has a vision of Jason killing her mom which causes her to wreck the car. They are all trapped now in Crystal Lake.
The ugly girl stole the snooty girl's clothes and jewelry and darts off into the woods to find the dopehead. She loses and earring and bends down to look for it only to stand up and see a corpse landing in front of her. Jason follows her to a toolshed. She thinks she has fooled Jason and tries to escape but alas. Jason is still there and this time he has a sickle. A sickle that comes crashing through the wall and executes her.
Tina is running in the woods and bumps into Nick. Tina's mom and Dr. Cruise are hunting after Tina. Jason has made it to the cabin. Everyone is having sex in the cabin. Everyone is also having sex in the van.
The van people hear Jason but think it is michael trying to give them a good surprise. They decide to surprise him instead. Jason turns the tables yet again and surprises them with murder. He crushes the boy's head and then slams a birthday horn into her eye.
Jason cuts power to the cabin. Nick and Tina run into Michael's corpse. Back at the Cabin, the dopehead goes to track down some grub. He gets butcher knifed by Jason. Tina and Nick find out that Jason Voorhees is the monster. Nick finds out she is telekinetic. I'm having a very hard time paying attention to this movie.
I feel inclined to mention that, usually, i watch these films in one straight burst. No breaks, no pausing, just sit down, watch, type, done. I couldnt do that with this movie. I paused it at 9:09 on friday night and it is now 8:20pm on saturday. I am literally forcing myself to click the play button. I can't remember anything that happened yesterday. I'm doing it.
And of course the first thing that comes out of someone's mouth is "cunt."
Nick and Tina are trying to organize an escape to save everyone, but Jason has other plans. He machetes the nerd. Meanwhile the dopehead's girl is exploring the upstairs and finally finds a cat. Jump scare cat, the staple of Friday the 13th. The girl puts her hand in a puddle of blood (icky), sees an homage to Part II (terrifying), and Jason throws her out a window (boring).
Nick abandons Tina in order to gather up the partiers, but I'm pretty sure they're all dead now. Jason is stalking Tina's mom and Dr. Cruise. Dr. Cruise calls Tina's mom Deborah but im pretty sure her name is Amanda. Jason arrives carrying what appears to be a hockey stick with the end replaced with a big knife. They run and Jason chases them. Dr. Cruise offers Tina's mom up as a sacrifice. She's dead.
Nick finds corpses at the cabin. Also he has a gun. Did this gun reveal happen already? Nick runs back to Tina's cabin to find it empty. Where has Tina gone? Nick readys his gun and almost shoots the snooty girl. He tells the snooty girl that there are dead people. She tells him to get real.
Tina is searching the woods for her mother. She finds Dr. Cruise. Dr. Cruise tells her that she's "gone" and Tina runs into the woods looking for her. Dr. Cruise runs off in the other direction but oh no Jason has a weed whacker and he's not afraid to use it. Dr. Cruise runs and thinks he has escaped before Jason teleports in behind him, punches him down a hill, and weed whacks his guts out.
Tina is still wandering in the woods. She finds her mom's corpse. She finds the corpses of all the other people too. She also finds Jason.
She starts to fight him with telekinesis. First by making him trip into a puddle, then by breaking a telephone line and dropping it in the puddle. Jason is dead. GET REAL. Tina walks over to investigate only to be greeted by a still fully undead Jason Voorhees.
Tina makes it to the Murder Cabin. It is thunderstorming outside and the thunder sounds like gun shots. Jason jumps through a window in slow-motion. Tina slams a door using her mind but for some reason this fails to stop Jason. She then throws a couch, a tree, and a decapitated head at him. These all prove futile. She then collapses the porch balcony on him.
Tina reunites with the Snooty Girl and Nick at her cabin and tells them that Jason is dead. The snooty girl doesnt believe her and opens the front door. Jason is standing there, puts an ax in her skull, and then throws her at a television. Jason has trapped Tina and Nick in the living room. They narrowly manage to escape upstairs but the doors are all locked. Tina squares off with Jason, each on one end of a staircase. She swings a chandelier at him Home Alone-style and he falls backwards, through the staircase, into the basement. Jason then explodes through a wall and begins stomping nick to death.
In retaliation, Tina makes his mask explode, hangs him from another chandelier, and drops him, yet again, into the basement. Jason is on the concrete floor, broken and maskless but alive. He drags Tina down with him and rips off her shirt. Tina shoots nails at him, but the bro's a zombie that aint gonna do anything. She then sprays gasoline at him, gets some on herself, and uses her pyrokinesis to light him up. Jason is a lot less intimidating with his mask. He pinwheels in the flames and eventually collapses. Nick and Tina run from the burning house.
Outside, they make it to the dock before the house explodes. The house explodes. Gonna say that again, the house explodes. Nick comforts Tina as she cries over it all being gone. Jason teleports in behind them and throws Tina up the dock. Nick uselessly shoots him a few times and Jason shoves him into a boat. Jason turns his attention back to Tina as she telekinetically brings her dad back from the dead to drag Jason to the bottom of the lake. What.
The next day, the fire department is still putting out the exploded house. They find Jason's shattered mask, Nick, and Tina. Tina tells Nick that Jason is taken care of. The End........OR IS IT?
How I Felt
I no longer have any emotions thanks to this film. Also according to the credits, the man I've been calling "Dr. Cruise" is actually "Dr. Crews." Sorry, Friday Fans.
Sequel
It can't get worse than this............OR CAN IT
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)
What I Knew:
It is a Friday the 13th movie, Jason lives, I'm probably not going to survive this.
What I Got:
A TERROR INC. PRODUCTION
Tommy Jarvis is back. I guess he didnt murder Pam after all. He and a crazy buddy escaped from an institution to dig Jason's corpse up and light it on fire. They are exploring the worst planned out graveyard in America. Ths scene mirrors Tommy's dream from the extreme beginning of Part V, which I think means Jason has to come back from the dead and murder these two. My Corey Feldman dreams are being destroyed as we speak. Jason's corpse is pretty wormy. Tommy is murdering Jason's corpse in a most brutal fashion with a big steel fence post. Tommy made the mistake of leaving the fence post in Jason's rotting chest though, as lightning struck it and reanimated Mr. Voorhees. Jason is in full on zombie mode as Tommy soaks him with gasoline. Worms are falling off Jason's face. Jason rips Tommy's crazy friend's heart out. Literally sticks his hand into the dude's chest and tears out his heart.
HOLY CRAP THAT WAS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. The screen zooms in on Jason's eyeball and the pupil expands. Jason walks casually into frame, turns casually at the camera, and throws his machete. The screen fills up with blood in the perfect slasher homage to James Bond films. I have literally never seen something like this.
Jason is chasing Tommy into the sheriff's office but the cops don't believe him. They changed the name of the town from Crystal Lake to Forest Green because of Jason. Meanwhile, a couple is travelling to Camp Forest Green (hehe) to be the head councilors. Jason is standing in the middle of the street, blocking the couple's car. They decide to put the fear of God into him by driving at him, but he cripples their car. The male councilor pulls a gun on Jason. He shoots Jason, but Jason impales him on his javelin. Female councilor is trying to escape by flopping around in a puddle and offering Jason money. This does not sate Jason as he impales her next.
At the Sheriff's office the next morning, some kids are trying to find the missing councilors. One kid says an all points bulletin would be "wicked decent." Tommy tells them that Jason has murdered them because Camp Forest Green is Camp Crystal Lake aka Camp Blood. Jason is going to murder everyone. The sheriff is going to walk Tommy into the Pine Barrens to die.
The gravedigger is covering up Jason's missing remains because he doesn't want to get in trouble while back at Camp Blood, I mean Camp Forest Green, the councilors are settling in and getting ready. One of the girls, the sheriff's daughter, has a crush on Tommy. The children have arrived at the camp.
A crazy game of paintball is going on elsewhere in the woods as Jason watches on. A woman "killed" a bunch of men and they are going crazy. One of them has a machete. Jason rips that guy's arm off and steals the blade. A comedy relief paintballer loses his gun and flops around on the ground. I hate the "comedy" in these movies. The comedy relief paintballer finds his gun and shoots Jason after Jason murders three of his coworkers. Jason is not fazed by paintballs.
Tommy is running away from the police, but he is running towards the graveyard to prove that Jason is alive. Little does he know that the crimescene was covered up. The deputy has a giant laser sight on his gun. As he's being taken back into custody Tommy yells at the gravedigger to dig Jason's grave back up. The old coot says, and I am quoting here, "Dig him up? Does he think I'm a farthead?" This movie.
There are children at Camp Blood.
Tommy has finally been thrown out of Forest Green. The gravedigger is drunk. A couple is having sex. People are getting murdered tonight. Jason stabs the gravedigger to death with his own whiskey bottle. One of the couple goes to investigate and finds Jason eviscerating the gravedigger's corpse with his machete. Jason impales both of them on his machete with one stab.
A kid at the camp is reading Sartre.
One of the councilors, the male one, escaped the camp and is having sex in an RV somewhere. Jason is also there, not having sex with anyone. There are a lot of really gross noises in this movie. Jason cuts off power to the RV. The councilor and his lady friend discover the cut power cord and try to escape but Jason is already in the RV. He murders the girl by slamming her face into the wall so hard it leaves an imprint. Jason stabs the councilor in the temple so hard it not only makes the tape deck start skipping, it makes the RV flips over. Jason leaves unscathed.
The sheriff uncovers the bodies of the councilors and the comedy relief paintballer but thinks that Tommy killed them, not Jason, but Tommy is out buying a bunch of books about the occult! Tommy calls Megan and she comes to rescue him from her father. Meanwhile Jason arrives at Camp Forest Green. He cuts the phone lines and begins stalking. One of the councilors dumps a can of soda on Jason's head. Jason yanks her out of her slippers and wrenches her head off.
Tommy hooks up with Megan and they set off to get supplies. The Brothers Frog would be proud imo. Back at Camp Forest Green, Jason is dragging a headless corpse around. Tommy and Megan are running from the police. They are stopped at the entrance to Camp Forest Green by the sheriff. Jason is still stalking the camp, machete at the ready, though there is only one councilor left. A little girl finds Jason's machete and is terrified. The councilor and little girl decide to go scare whoever is scaring them right back! Jason doesn't believe in fear.
With Tommy safely in chains, the sheriff goes to investigate the RV wreck. But it can't of been Tommy, Tommy was with Megan when those two kids got killed. This movie is painful.
If there's one good thing I can say about these movies, is that when there's one councilor left alive and she is trapped in a house with Jason stalking her, the tension is excellent and Jason is really at his most terrifying. That good thing doesn't exist in this movie. Jason busts down the door and kills the last councilor.
Tommy is in jail. Tommy and Megan kiss through the bars. While the deputy interrupts the making out, Megan steals his gun and makes him let Tommy out. I think they filmed this on the same backlot as Back to the Future. Tommy and Megan are planning on drowning Jason in Lake Forest Green, I mean Lake Blood, I mean Crystal Lake.
Jason is about to murder a child when the sheriff arriving interrupts him. There is a lot of blood in the councilor's cabin. There is a guy with a hockey mask stalking the police. Jason throws a dart at one of cops and hits him right in the forehead. One redshirt and the sheriff remain. I can't believe only an hour has passed. The child Jason almost murdered arrives and spooks the redshirt, but then Jason shows up and crushes the guy's skull. The sheriff gets his shotgun, grabs the girl, and rounds all the kids up and tells them to hide in one cabin. He is out for blood.
The sheriff bumps into Jason and puts a twelve-gauge slug in his chest, but Jason is a zombie. Also his mask is apparently bullet proof. Tommy and Megan show up just in time. The sheriff is still being chased through the woods. Megan finds the lil kids and they all hug her. She reassures them that everything will be fine as Tommy gets his supplies ready. His supplies apparently consist of one heavy metal chain and one big rock. The sheriff has turned the tables on Jason and is now stalking him.
Jason is a dick and put the sheriff's daughter's best friend's head in the driver seat of a cop car just to scare Megan. He is a prescient dick. The sheriff gets the jump on Jason and starts to beat his head in with a stick. Jason bends him backwards until he snaps in half. Tommy and Megan finish readying the "supplies" as Jason goes to terrify some more kids. Jason busts through a door and almost kills Megan before he remembers how Tommy killed him.
Tommy is antagonizing a monster by calling him a maggot-head and a chicken-shit, pussy, asshole. Does Tommy think he's a farthead? Jason walks towards Tommy's canoe in the lake as Tommy gets his Jason Sinking Device ready for action. Jason disappears under the surface of the water and the way Tommy thinks up to get him to surface is lighting the water on fire. Tommy lights the water on fire. Tommy lights the water around his wooden canoe on fire. Jason springs out of the firey water the same way he sprang out to attack Alice in Part 1, and he and Tommy begin grappling. All Megan can see from the beach is fire. Tommy beats Jason in their wrestling match, changes his name to Israel, and watches as Jason disappears. Jason, now on fire, resurfaces and attacks Tommy. Tommy manages to slip his metal leash over Jason's head and they both sink to the bottom, Tommy struggling to escape and Jason struggling to exact his revenge. He strangles Tommy and resigns himself to the deep. Goodnight, Sweet Feldman.
Of course Megan dives into the monster infested lake to try to save the obviously dead Tommy. Jason grabs her leg and tries to kill her too. She starts the canoe's motor and manages to narrowly escape by hacking Jason up with the propeller. Back on the beach she applies some sweet mouth-to-mouth to the corpse of Tommy Jarvis which reanimates him much like the lightning bolt did to Jason at the beginning. "It's over, it's finally over. Jason's home." Clearly its not over, Tommy, there are still four more films.
The last scene of the film shows a still alive and surprisingly intact Jason chilling at the bottom of Crystal Lake.
How I Felt
This movie was legit worse than the 3D one. Jason Lives is definitely to A New Beginning what Part II was to Part I. In an attempt to redefine the series by introducing the supernatural, it rests on its laurels as a monster movie and ends up just being horribly boring and unlikeable. At least Jason isnt wearing overalls and a bag of flour on his head in this one.
Sequel
Four more. :[
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)
What I Knew:
Jason's dead. This movie is going to suck, I can feel it in my veins.
What I Got:
Trying something new with this entry and just writing things as I think of them during the course of the film instead of recapping it afterwards. I figure thats better than just "This film is terrible."
I wonder how much they paid this Corey Feldman lookalike. Where do they keep coming up with the money to make these films. Corey Feldman looks on as two men try to steal Jason's corpse. There are worms in his mask. He's not dead after all. The graverobbers are dead and Corey Feldman begins to cry. Jason looks suitably badass as he stalks towards the helpless and paralyzed with fright Corey. But it was all just a dream. Corey Feldman is now a teenager in the back of an asylum bus. He has bad facial hair. I am unbelievably glad that this movie starts without a twenty minute recap of Part 4. Oh, it turns out it was really Corey Feldman and not a lookalike after all.
Tommy Jarvis, as Corey Feldman was named, is committed to the Pinehurst youth home. It turns out that it is a summer camp on a lake so i think we all know where this is going. Pinehurst Assistant Director Pam is hot enough to stir Tommy from his catatonic state. Dr. Matthew Letter, who is apparently the Regular Director of Pinehurst, tells Tommy some things about Pinehurst: No guards, no rules, its all re-socialization after being locked in a state institute for five years. For a kid who watched his entire family get cut down by Jason, he seems fairly well adjusted, if quiet. Also, he has a knife hidden in his room. His roommate is a little black kid who likes to play pranks. His name is Reggie the Reckless. Tommy still has his penchant for making masks and gets his revenge on Reggie for pranking him. In fact, Tommy's whole bag is full of masks. Reggie talks with the weirdest slang, like the script for a blacksploitation film fell into a food processor.
The town sheriff shows up to yell at Dr. Letter for having crazy people in the woods re: they keep escaping to have sex. The neighbors show up to also yell about the crazy people in the woods. The neighbors are Hilarious Because They Swear. Dr. Letter gives the crazy people access to axes and saws. Hurley from Lost is in this movie as Fat Hispanic Guy With Chocolate On His Face, Joey. Joey is the comedy relief character because he is more retarded than crazy. Joey is already dead. Victor J. Fadden hit him with an ax because he offered him a candy bar. Rest in Peace, sweet Joey. Whoa, Joey's back is brutally hacked apart. Its pretty cool looking, but the paramedics are dicks about it. I like how the deaths are occurring earlier and earlier since Part II established the "wait until the third act to start getting rid of characters" thing.
Two rockers in leather jackets are broken-down in the woods. One of them walks into the woods. I can't figure out why. He is scared by a rabbit. The other rocker gets a flare shoved down his throat. The first returns and gets his throat slit. We return to Pinehurst with a close up of Tommy's face. I think I know who killed the rockers. Tommy hallucinates, hearing himself and Trish screaming at Jason and seeing Jason in the mirror. Drugs calm him down.
Reggie the Reckless' Gramps is the chef at Pinehurst. There is a girl who dresses like Kelly Osbourne. A guy named Eddie scares Tommy and punches him in the shoulder so Tommy judo throws him through a table and lays into his eye. Over at the neighboring property, the neighbor woman calls her son a "dildo" and meets a drifter looking for work. The drifter kind of looks like Cromartie/John Henry from the Sarah Connor Chronicles
The next two people to die are the ambulance driver from the beginning and his waitress girlfriend. I'm not entirely convinced that Jason isn't a terminator. A cat flies very hard into a wall, scaring the waitress. An ax flies very hard into the driver's skull. The waitress is next to go, again with an ax to the stomach. So far thats three people murdered with an ax, one person with a flare, and one with a machete. Tommy keeps having visions of Jason holding a bloody ax.
At the sheriff's office, Sheriff Tucker thinks Jason is the murderer, the mayor thinks Jason was cremated, the sheriff is certifiably crazy. Jason's dead! Back at Pinehurst, the promiscuous crazy couple escape into the woods to do drugs and do it. The drifter is watching them from behind a tree until he gets stabbed in the stomach. The couple separate, leaving the girl to nap naked in the sun, just begging for a sunburn. Or to get murdered, i guess, as a pair hedge trimmers gouge her eyes out. The killer then straps a tourniquet around the boy's eyes and tightens until he's dead.
Reggie's brother's name is Demon. He, Pam, and Tommy go into town to meet Demon. I really hope Tommy doesnt die in this movie re: would like to see a 2011 Friday the 13th Part II remake featuring a grown Corey Feldman as Tommy Jarvis.
Demon lives in a trailer park that has a flashing neon sign that reads "Trailer Park." Demon looks like Lionel Ritchie plus Michael Jackson. The flashing neon sign is making Tommy go insane i think. While going insane, Tommy is nearly run over by the neighbor son on a motorcycle. The neighbor son is probably crazier than Tommy, so Tommy beats him senseless and near-on murders him before Pam stops him. Tommy runs away and Pam and Reggie chase after him in a pickup truck. Meanwhile, Demon has diarrhea from bad enchiladas. His girlfriend shakes the latrine while he uses it. They sing to each other while Demon sits on a toilet. This movie has more made up songs that are just the same phrase repeated over and over than i have ever seen before. Demon and his girlfriend are brutally murdered, just like every couple that has been seen on screen thus far. Girlfriend gets her throat slit and Demon gets impaled.
Pam and Reggie are still trying to track Tommy down. Back at Pinehurst, Matt and Gramps have disappeared. Pam drops Reggie off and leaves in search of Tommy again. Back at the neighbor's, Neighbor Son is driving his motorcycle like a lunatic around his property screaming, "HE HURT ME" at the top of his lungs. He of course gets decapitated. The neighbor mom calls Jason a "fuckwad" so of course he stabs her in the face and leaves her face down in her own stew (not a euphemism). Pam is still looking for Tommy, but since she is looking for him alone she will be safe.
At Pinehurst, a two crazies are watching a movie alone. They are screwed. But wait, after some very painful rejection, the only remaining male crazy tracks down Kelly Osbourne girl. She rejects him as well. Jason does reject him though, neither does the meat cleaver that comes crashing through his face. The redheaded girl crazy who was watching the movie tries to take Reggie to bed but gives up after very little effort. She then strips. She is So Dead. Machete to the stomach while she lays in bed. Meanwhile, Kelly Osbourne is doing the robot. She is also a dead robot via some kind of scimitar to the stomach.
Reggie is the last person alive in the house, not counting Jason of course. Reggie wakes up and goes to investigate. Investigate what, I don't know, but he finds a stack of corpses on Tommy's bed. Pam shows up just in time to terrify Reggie and immediately get terrified herself by the pile. Pam and Reggie try to escape when Jason smashes through a door with his blood soaked machete. The fleeing couple run into the woods only to find an ambulance with a corpse in it also Jason. Reggie takes off on his own, leaving Pam to fend for herself. Pam finds Matt with a railroad spike hammered into his face. She makes it back to the Pinehurst manor and locks the door behind her while screaming Reggie. Jason hurls Gramps through a window. His eyes are torn out. Man, Jason really has a thing for eyes in this film. Pam runs out of the house.
Jason stalks Pam as she crawls through the mud only to be hit by Reggie driving a bulldozer. Pam and Reggie are safe and Jason is dead for the third time. Or is he? He is not, in fact he is alive enough to grab Reggie's leg. Reggie kicks free and the survivors escape yet again. Jason is bleeding and it doesnt look like he likes it. He begins stalking them again. His mask doesn't fit very well. Pam and Jason have a sword fight, Jason with a machete and Pam with a chainsaw. Pam nicks his arm and moves in for the kill when the chainsaw runs out of gas. If Jason had the ability to speak im pretty sure he would be laughing. Pam throws the chainsaw at Jason and runs as Tommy appears. The two meet face to face again, Tommy confronting his psychosis directly. Jason slashes his chest. Tommy stabs Jason in the leg with a pocket knife.
Tommy escapes to a hay loft in a barn with Pam and Reggie. Jason slowly climbs the stairs himself after them, only to find Tommy's corpse in the hay. Spotting Reggie, Jason moves to confront him. Pam taps Jason lightly on the shoulder with a pipe and they have a little swordfight again. Reggie finally shoves Jason off the hay loft. Jason grabs onto the ledge however, grabs Reggie's leg, and I jump out of my seat and yelp a little bit. Easily the most effective jumpscare in Friday history. Tommy chops off Jason's arm and Jason falls limp onto this big thing of spikes below. His mask falls off and it turns out Jason is another guy wearing a mask. A guy who looks familiar, to be honest. I can't for the life of me remember who though. This movie doesnt do well with making you remember people/things.
Roy. Joey was Roy's son. Roy was Jason. Roy was one of the dickhead paramedics. That was the most meaningless twist. I wish Jason was still a monster/zombie/thing. Tommy is still alive though hospitalized. This continues to give me hope for a 2011 Tommy Jarvis film.
The film ends with Tommy defeating his psychosis and putting Jason away forever, BUT WHAT IS THIS FELLOW VIEWER, TOMMY HAS A JASON MASK HIMSELF. Were there two killers all along? Tommy creeps up behind Pam with a butcher knife and the film fades to black.
How I Felt:
Pleasantly surprised. This movie was bad, make no bones about it, but compared to parts two and three it was a cinematic masterpiece and holds up well against four and one in my opinion. Overall, not terrible and not nearly as painful as i expected.
Sequel:
Jason Lives, The New Blood, Jason Takes Manhattan, Jason Goes To Hell, Jason X, Freddy vs Jason, Friday the 13th (2010). I think I'll be able to make it. I don't feel as defeated now as I did when i watched part four.
Jason's dead. This movie is going to suck, I can feel it in my veins.
What I Got:
Trying something new with this entry and just writing things as I think of them during the course of the film instead of recapping it afterwards. I figure thats better than just "This film is terrible."
I wonder how much they paid this Corey Feldman lookalike. Where do they keep coming up with the money to make these films. Corey Feldman looks on as two men try to steal Jason's corpse. There are worms in his mask. He's not dead after all. The graverobbers are dead and Corey Feldman begins to cry. Jason looks suitably badass as he stalks towards the helpless and paralyzed with fright Corey. But it was all just a dream. Corey Feldman is now a teenager in the back of an asylum bus. He has bad facial hair. I am unbelievably glad that this movie starts without a twenty minute recap of Part 4. Oh, it turns out it was really Corey Feldman and not a lookalike after all.
Tommy Jarvis, as Corey Feldman was named, is committed to the Pinehurst youth home. It turns out that it is a summer camp on a lake so i think we all know where this is going. Pinehurst Assistant Director Pam is hot enough to stir Tommy from his catatonic state. Dr. Matthew Letter, who is apparently the Regular Director of Pinehurst, tells Tommy some things about Pinehurst: No guards, no rules, its all re-socialization after being locked in a state institute for five years. For a kid who watched his entire family get cut down by Jason, he seems fairly well adjusted, if quiet. Also, he has a knife hidden in his room. His roommate is a little black kid who likes to play pranks. His name is Reggie the Reckless. Tommy still has his penchant for making masks and gets his revenge on Reggie for pranking him. In fact, Tommy's whole bag is full of masks. Reggie talks with the weirdest slang, like the script for a blacksploitation film fell into a food processor.
The town sheriff shows up to yell at Dr. Letter for having crazy people in the woods re: they keep escaping to have sex. The neighbors show up to also yell about the crazy people in the woods. The neighbors are Hilarious Because They Swear. Dr. Letter gives the crazy people access to axes and saws. Hurley from Lost is in this movie as Fat Hispanic Guy With Chocolate On His Face, Joey. Joey is the comedy relief character because he is more retarded than crazy. Joey is already dead. Victor J. Fadden hit him with an ax because he offered him a candy bar. Rest in Peace, sweet Joey. Whoa, Joey's back is brutally hacked apart. Its pretty cool looking, but the paramedics are dicks about it. I like how the deaths are occurring earlier and earlier since Part II established the "wait until the third act to start getting rid of characters" thing.
Two rockers in leather jackets are broken-down in the woods. One of them walks into the woods. I can't figure out why. He is scared by a rabbit. The other rocker gets a flare shoved down his throat. The first returns and gets his throat slit. We return to Pinehurst with a close up of Tommy's face. I think I know who killed the rockers. Tommy hallucinates, hearing himself and Trish screaming at Jason and seeing Jason in the mirror. Drugs calm him down.
Reggie the Reckless' Gramps is the chef at Pinehurst. There is a girl who dresses like Kelly Osbourne. A guy named Eddie scares Tommy and punches him in the shoulder so Tommy judo throws him through a table and lays into his eye. Over at the neighboring property, the neighbor woman calls her son a "dildo" and meets a drifter looking for work. The drifter kind of looks like Cromartie/John Henry from the Sarah Connor Chronicles
The next two people to die are the ambulance driver from the beginning and his waitress girlfriend. I'm not entirely convinced that Jason isn't a terminator. A cat flies very hard into a wall, scaring the waitress. An ax flies very hard into the driver's skull. The waitress is next to go, again with an ax to the stomach. So far thats three people murdered with an ax, one person with a flare, and one with a machete. Tommy keeps having visions of Jason holding a bloody ax.
At the sheriff's office, Sheriff Tucker thinks Jason is the murderer, the mayor thinks Jason was cremated, the sheriff is certifiably crazy. Jason's dead! Back at Pinehurst, the promiscuous crazy couple escape into the woods to do drugs and do it. The drifter is watching them from behind a tree until he gets stabbed in the stomach. The couple separate, leaving the girl to nap naked in the sun, just begging for a sunburn. Or to get murdered, i guess, as a pair hedge trimmers gouge her eyes out. The killer then straps a tourniquet around the boy's eyes and tightens until he's dead.
Reggie's brother's name is Demon. He, Pam, and Tommy go into town to meet Demon. I really hope Tommy doesnt die in this movie re: would like to see a 2011 Friday the 13th Part II remake featuring a grown Corey Feldman as Tommy Jarvis.
Demon lives in a trailer park that has a flashing neon sign that reads "Trailer Park." Demon looks like Lionel Ritchie plus Michael Jackson. The flashing neon sign is making Tommy go insane i think. While going insane, Tommy is nearly run over by the neighbor son on a motorcycle. The neighbor son is probably crazier than Tommy, so Tommy beats him senseless and near-on murders him before Pam stops him. Tommy runs away and Pam and Reggie chase after him in a pickup truck. Meanwhile, Demon has diarrhea from bad enchiladas. His girlfriend shakes the latrine while he uses it. They sing to each other while Demon sits on a toilet. This movie has more made up songs that are just the same phrase repeated over and over than i have ever seen before. Demon and his girlfriend are brutally murdered, just like every couple that has been seen on screen thus far. Girlfriend gets her throat slit and Demon gets impaled.
Pam and Reggie are still trying to track Tommy down. Back at Pinehurst, Matt and Gramps have disappeared. Pam drops Reggie off and leaves in search of Tommy again. Back at the neighbor's, Neighbor Son is driving his motorcycle like a lunatic around his property screaming, "HE HURT ME" at the top of his lungs. He of course gets decapitated. The neighbor mom calls Jason a "fuckwad" so of course he stabs her in the face and leaves her face down in her own stew (not a euphemism). Pam is still looking for Tommy, but since she is looking for him alone she will be safe.
At Pinehurst, a two crazies are watching a movie alone. They are screwed. But wait, after some very painful rejection, the only remaining male crazy tracks down Kelly Osbourne girl. She rejects him as well. Jason does reject him though, neither does the meat cleaver that comes crashing through his face. The redheaded girl crazy who was watching the movie tries to take Reggie to bed but gives up after very little effort. She then strips. She is So Dead. Machete to the stomach while she lays in bed. Meanwhile, Kelly Osbourne is doing the robot. She is also a dead robot via some kind of scimitar to the stomach.
Reggie is the last person alive in the house, not counting Jason of course. Reggie wakes up and goes to investigate. Investigate what, I don't know, but he finds a stack of corpses on Tommy's bed. Pam shows up just in time to terrify Reggie and immediately get terrified herself by the pile. Pam and Reggie try to escape when Jason smashes through a door with his blood soaked machete. The fleeing couple run into the woods only to find an ambulance with a corpse in it also Jason. Reggie takes off on his own, leaving Pam to fend for herself. Pam finds Matt with a railroad spike hammered into his face. She makes it back to the Pinehurst manor and locks the door behind her while screaming Reggie. Jason hurls Gramps through a window. His eyes are torn out. Man, Jason really has a thing for eyes in this film. Pam runs out of the house.
Jason stalks Pam as she crawls through the mud only to be hit by Reggie driving a bulldozer. Pam and Reggie are safe and Jason is dead for the third time. Or is he? He is not, in fact he is alive enough to grab Reggie's leg. Reggie kicks free and the survivors escape yet again. Jason is bleeding and it doesnt look like he likes it. He begins stalking them again. His mask doesn't fit very well. Pam and Jason have a sword fight, Jason with a machete and Pam with a chainsaw. Pam nicks his arm and moves in for the kill when the chainsaw runs out of gas. If Jason had the ability to speak im pretty sure he would be laughing. Pam throws the chainsaw at Jason and runs as Tommy appears. The two meet face to face again, Tommy confronting his psychosis directly. Jason slashes his chest. Tommy stabs Jason in the leg with a pocket knife.
Tommy escapes to a hay loft in a barn with Pam and Reggie. Jason slowly climbs the stairs himself after them, only to find Tommy's corpse in the hay. Spotting Reggie, Jason moves to confront him. Pam taps Jason lightly on the shoulder with a pipe and they have a little swordfight again. Reggie finally shoves Jason off the hay loft. Jason grabs onto the ledge however, grabs Reggie's leg, and I jump out of my seat and yelp a little bit. Easily the most effective jumpscare in Friday history. Tommy chops off Jason's arm and Jason falls limp onto this big thing of spikes below. His mask falls off and it turns out Jason is another guy wearing a mask. A guy who looks familiar, to be honest. I can't for the life of me remember who though. This movie doesnt do well with making you remember people/things.
Roy. Joey was Roy's son. Roy was Jason. Roy was one of the dickhead paramedics. That was the most meaningless twist. I wish Jason was still a monster/zombie/thing. Tommy is still alive though hospitalized. This continues to give me hope for a 2011 Tommy Jarvis film.
The film ends with Tommy defeating his psychosis and putting Jason away forever, BUT WHAT IS THIS FELLOW VIEWER, TOMMY HAS A JASON MASK HIMSELF. Were there two killers all along? Tommy creeps up behind Pam with a butcher knife and the film fades to black.
How I Felt:
Pleasantly surprised. This movie was bad, make no bones about it, but compared to parts two and three it was a cinematic masterpiece and holds up well against four and one in my opinion. Overall, not terrible and not nearly as painful as i expected.
Sequel:
Jason Lives, The New Blood, Jason Takes Manhattan, Jason Goes To Hell, Jason X, Freddy vs Jason, Friday the 13th (2010). I think I'll be able to make it. I don't feel as defeated now as I did when i watched part four.
Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)
This movie has Corey Feldman, a child who makes grotesque masks for fun and eventually shaves his head and murders the hell out of Jason, and Crispin Glover, who has a great dance scene. That makes this the best Friday the 13th to date. I'm not joking.
These movies are making me lose the will to live, let alone blog.
Seriously though, what is it with Friday characters skinny dipping alone, at night, in Crystal Lake? Off the top of my head, three people have died this way so far. I can't see the appeal, myself, but hey different strokes i guess.
These movies are making me lose the will to live, let alone blog.
Seriously though, what is it with Friday characters skinny dipping alone, at night, in Crystal Lake? Off the top of my head, three people have died this way so far. I can't see the appeal, myself, but hey different strokes i guess.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Friday the 13th Part III (1982)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friday_The_13th_Part_3
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083972/
What I Knew:
Absolutely nothing. Flying blind into this, and probably the rest of the Friday the 13th movies until Jason X.
What I Expected:
At this point, basically nothing. I have lost all hope in this series. I'm starting to wonder if i just invented the hockey mask in my poorly formed memories of these movies. As far as i can tell, the creative teams are just smacking their typewriters over and over until j, a, s, o, and n appear on the page in sequence, then they call it quits. Maybe its too soon to be so negative about the series, but im really doubting it.
What I Got:
A terrible movie made for 3D with things constantly popping at the camera. Also Jason's mom is back in an homage to the end of the first movie. My favorite things that popped at the screen were an obviously fake snake on a spring, a yo-yo, a phallic pitchfork, some apples and oranges that were being juggled, the female lead's butt, and a guy's eyeball.
How I Felt:
Cheated and betrayed. I feel a lot of rage towards the people who wrote this movie, the people who acted in this movie, the people who greenlit this movie, the people who paid money to see this movie, and most of all, myself for having sat through this entire movie.
View This:
Never.
Sequel?
I've come this far, I guess. I don't know, im just so discouraged now.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083972/
What I Knew:
Absolutely nothing. Flying blind into this, and probably the rest of the Friday the 13th movies until Jason X.
What I Expected:
At this point, basically nothing. I have lost all hope in this series. I'm starting to wonder if i just invented the hockey mask in my poorly formed memories of these movies. As far as i can tell, the creative teams are just smacking their typewriters over and over until j, a, s, o, and n appear on the page in sequence, then they call it quits. Maybe its too soon to be so negative about the series, but im really doubting it.
What I Got:
A terrible movie made for 3D with things constantly popping at the camera. Also Jason's mom is back in an homage to the end of the first movie. My favorite things that popped at the screen were an obviously fake snake on a spring, a yo-yo, a phallic pitchfork, some apples and oranges that were being juggled, the female lead's butt, and a guy's eyeball.
How I Felt:
Cheated and betrayed. I feel a lot of rage towards the people who wrote this movie, the people who acted in this movie, the people who greenlit this movie, the people who paid money to see this movie, and most of all, myself for having sat through this entire movie.
View This:
Never.
Sequel?
I've come this far, I guess. I don't know, im just so discouraged now.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Friday the 13th Part II (1981)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friday_the_13th_Part_2
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082418/
What I Knew:
The writer of the original Friday the 13th was very disappointed that Jason Voorhees became the villain. That's literally all I know.
What I Expected:
Something more along the lines of what I expected from Friday the 13th: Jason killing people.
What I Got:
Well, I guess I was closer to the mark this time. Jason indeed kills people, starting with the wonderful Alice, but its certainly not the iconic Jason. In fact this Jason seems to be having a bit of an identity crisis. I think the death toll at the hands of Mr. Voorhees is about eight, out of like 20 faceless characters. The first 20 minutes of the film just summarize the last act of the first film which doesnt do Part II any favors if you ask me. The only character worth caring about, especially considering how much time was just spent explaining why we should care about her, is killed off meaninglessly immediately after and the movie doesnt bother with trying to create that kind of connection with any of the new councilors. Even someone like Annie, Jason's mother's third victim in Part 1, is lacking in this film. Just a pile of meet for a terribly conceived bad guy to hack throuh.
How I Felt:
I have some big issues with Jason in this movie. Now it might just be the fact that I am so familiar with the iconic Jason (hockey mask, machete, slow walk, ki-ki-ki-ma-ma-ma, immortal monster, etc) that its tainting my perspective of this early incarnation, but there is literally nothing even remotely frightening about Jason in this film. I'm not kidding when I say that a cat in this movie is at least 10 times as terrifying as any of Jason's appearances. He comes off as a mad farmer. He wears overalls, he has a bag of flour over his head, he wields a pitchfork for most of the film. This Jason lacks everything that makes a slasher villain great: the idea that nothing can stop him. There's a scene where he slips off a chair and falls face first into a lil puddle of urine. There's another where he trips over his own pitchfork and then has to jog to catch back up to his victim. When the bag of flour is finally pulled off his face, the rubber mask Neddy uses to scare the other councilors in the beginning of the film is significantly scarier. He looks like a reject from a bad The Hills Have Eyes knock-off. He's also not physically imposing. Just a chunky farmer, angry that you are running through his cornfield.
And the characters. There is no way to possibly care about any of the characters, and there's really no point either considering they are all either dead or disappear from the film by the second act. The ending provides zero closure, no "Then he's still out there," not even a text crawl saying "the 15 campers we forgot about survived for a little while." Nothing. Just stops cold. And then we come back to Jason. This Jason has a bit of an identity crisis. I don't think the writers decided at any one point on a unified vision of him. He's alternatively an immortal monster, a crazy mutant farmer, and a sad little kid who misses his mom. I think if they could have stuck to one idea the film could have pulled its narrative structure off better, but we are constantly swinging between "he is going to kill us all because he is evil" and "he is going to kill us all because he doesnt know better maybe we should just give him a hug." This doesnt make for good storytelling in my opinion, nor does it make me want to watch this movie ever again.
View This:
As a part of understanding the Friday the 13th canon, but never ever ever again.
Sequel?
I'm not exactly looking forward to parts 3 through 10 after this, but hopefully the crew can get their stuff together.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082418/
What I Knew:
The writer of the original Friday the 13th was very disappointed that Jason Voorhees became the villain. That's literally all I know.
What I Expected:
Something more along the lines of what I expected from Friday the 13th: Jason killing people.
What I Got:
Well, I guess I was closer to the mark this time. Jason indeed kills people, starting with the wonderful Alice, but its certainly not the iconic Jason. In fact this Jason seems to be having a bit of an identity crisis. I think the death toll at the hands of Mr. Voorhees is about eight, out of like 20 faceless characters. The first 20 minutes of the film just summarize the last act of the first film which doesnt do Part II any favors if you ask me. The only character worth caring about, especially considering how much time was just spent explaining why we should care about her, is killed off meaninglessly immediately after and the movie doesnt bother with trying to create that kind of connection with any of the new councilors. Even someone like Annie, Jason's mother's third victim in Part 1, is lacking in this film. Just a pile of meet for a terribly conceived bad guy to hack throuh.
How I Felt:
I have some big issues with Jason in this movie. Now it might just be the fact that I am so familiar with the iconic Jason (hockey mask, machete, slow walk, ki-ki-ki-ma-ma-ma, immortal monster, etc) that its tainting my perspective of this early incarnation, but there is literally nothing even remotely frightening about Jason in this film. I'm not kidding when I say that a cat in this movie is at least 10 times as terrifying as any of Jason's appearances. He comes off as a mad farmer. He wears overalls, he has a bag of flour over his head, he wields a pitchfork for most of the film. This Jason lacks everything that makes a slasher villain great: the idea that nothing can stop him. There's a scene where he slips off a chair and falls face first into a lil puddle of urine. There's another where he trips over his own pitchfork and then has to jog to catch back up to his victim. When the bag of flour is finally pulled off his face, the rubber mask Neddy uses to scare the other councilors in the beginning of the film is significantly scarier. He looks like a reject from a bad The Hills Have Eyes knock-off. He's also not physically imposing. Just a chunky farmer, angry that you are running through his cornfield.
And the characters. There is no way to possibly care about any of the characters, and there's really no point either considering they are all either dead or disappear from the film by the second act. The ending provides zero closure, no "Then he's still out there," not even a text crawl saying "the 15 campers we forgot about survived for a little while." Nothing. Just stops cold. And then we come back to Jason. This Jason has a bit of an identity crisis. I don't think the writers decided at any one point on a unified vision of him. He's alternatively an immortal monster, a crazy mutant farmer, and a sad little kid who misses his mom. I think if they could have stuck to one idea the film could have pulled its narrative structure off better, but we are constantly swinging between "he is going to kill us all because he is evil" and "he is going to kill us all because he doesnt know better maybe we should just give him a hug." This doesnt make for good storytelling in my opinion, nor does it make me want to watch this movie ever again.
View This:
As a part of understanding the Friday the 13th canon, but never ever ever again.
Sequel?
I'm not exactly looking forward to parts 3 through 10 after this, but hopefully the crew can get their stuff together.
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