Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

What I Knew:
:[
What I Got:
A Horror Inc. Production
Some punks are smoking while a terrible 80s pop song plays. Why do I keep doing this to myself. Some punks mug a businessman. Mister Miyagi is eating at a diner with Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Some punks do crack. Yes, this truly is the Manhattan experience.
Back at Crystal Lake, some people are having sex on a boat. They've gotta throw the anchor over. While they recap the last seven movies, the anchor hooks a power cable and begins bringing Jason back to life. The girl hears a spooky noise and the boy goes to check it out. Jason is also checking it out. The boy pulls a prank on her by putting on a Jason mask and stabbing her with a fake knife. The girl is irritated. Good thing they brought a Jason mask on the boat trip as Jason makes quick use of it and finds a spear gun. The couple resumes having sex as Jason cocks the gun and methodically takes aim. He misses and the girl flees. The guy is stunned and gets his intestines ripped out. Jason picks the spear up and begins stalking. This stalking is at least 20 times better than the cabin stalking from the last two movies. Jason finds the girl and she begs for her life as Jason plunges the spear into her chest. He's back.
Meanwhile, a girl, her mother, and her dog pull up to a port on what i am assuming is the hudson river. The girl is gifted Stephen King's fountain pen. "You have a gift, and if there's anyone who can make use of that pen, its you." Its certainly not Stephen King! ZING! A dude is swabbing the poop deck of a cruise ship when he sees a ghost ship float into port. The cruise ship is the Crystal Lake High senior class trip boat to New York City. The Stephen King Pen Girl, Rennie apparently?, is not supposed to be there.
The captain relinquishes control of the cruise ship "Lazarus" (lol) to his son, who is also on the class trip. He gives his son a sextant as well. His son screws up and storms out. Jason starts climbing up the anchor. The poop deck swabber says the voyage is doomed.
The sextant boy Sean and pen girl Rennie have a conversation. Sean gives her a statue of liberty pendant. They are in awe of a 22 story statue. Rennie's uncle Charles, the principal apparently, interrupts them and sends Sean off. Cant be admiring statues on this cruise! Meanwhile, a girl, JJ, plays a sick guitar solo while a bro, Wayne, tapes a "shockumentary."
JJ goes downstairs to play sick guitar riffs below deck. Uncle Charles starts echoing while lecturing Rennie. Rennie is afraid of something and thats why she's on the boat even though Charles doesnt want her there. JJ is slammin licks like no one's business. Jason makes his way down to greet her. Jason is a jazz fusion fan and cant stand what the 80s have done to rock and roll. He puts her ax through her face.
Rennie talks to her dog while Jason watches on. She has auditory hallucinations. I really hope this isnt another super-powered victim Friday movie. Part VII was about all I could stand of that. She hallucinates seeing Jason drown in a porthole.
Some manly bros are boxing in a very terrible way while some girls spy on them through a sky light.The 80s were a weird time for hot guys. Charles lands a sick burn on Wayne while the spying girls do cocaine. Rennie interrupts them looking for her dog. She wanders down empty hallways, or should i say nearly empty hallways, as Jason is stalking her. Charles stumbles across the coke gals. The coke girls reveal that Rennie is afraid of water.
A bro is steaming himself in the sauna. Jason has other plans, picking one of those hot rocks up and sticking it in the bro's chest until he dies. Jason casually leaves.
Rennie and the woman she rode in with, her english teacher i think, are walking perilously close to the edge when the coke girls shove Rennie into the water. The teacher throws Rennie a life preserver. Rennie panics and hallucinates seeing Jason pull her under. Sean dives in and saves her. Charles freaks out. The poop deck swabber fortells deaths ominously. Rennie goes to the bathroom to wash up and the faucet starts running with blood and lil kid Jason reaches out of the mirror and tries to grab her.
One of the coke girls tries to seduce Charles. She shows him her biology project, which is just drawings of organs on her naked body. Wayne catches them on camera. It is an unsuccessful seduction, though Wayne catches just enough to incriminate him. That apparently was the shockumentary he spoke of earlier. Wayne has had the major hots for coke girl, Tamra, since sophomore year and he finally tells her. Tamra blows him off and kicks him out.
Tamra goes to take a shower. As she's drying off, Jason decides now would be a good time to join her. He punches through the bathroom door, tears her robe off, and throws her into a mirror. Jason grabs a shard of broken glass and stabs her.
It is thunderstorming and the captain is trying to safely navigate them to New York. I'm starting to doubt they are going to make it there. A half an hour in and Jason hasnt taken any cities, let alone manhattan. He does, however, take the first mate's life while the captain uses the restroom. He then slits the captains throat in slow motion.
Sean and Rennie try to escape just to find the captain's corpse propped up like he's driving the boat. He calls everyone to the bridge where they also see the corpses. Sean radios the coast guard but Jason cuts the radio before they can establish communication. The poop swabbist comes to tell them that Jason is the killer. Charles tries to kill him. "Walking corpses are not real," says Charles. The black boxer develops a plan to hunt down and kill Jason. Charles tries to stop him, but "school is out motherfucker."
Rennie is dropping the anchors and Jason is very interested in that. She comes face to face with Charles who reverses the anchor dropping because dropping anchor in a storm doesnt make sense???
The asian coke girl finds Tamra's body and also her killer. She stumbles into some kind of a nightclub. Jason is in no mood for dancing. All the doors are locked and Jason has very poor posture. He can also teleport. He strangles her to death and then throws her so hard the record stops playing.
The black boxer gathers up weapons. He refuses to carry a weapon, except no he's got a shotgun. The boys search the ship independently. Wayne goes to look for JJ. Wayne's glasses fall off. Wayne shoots and kills a classmate. Jason shows up and breaks his camera. Wayne takes off running. He trips over JJs bloody guitar and lands on her corpse. Jason throws him into some kind of memory bank where he catches fire.
Charles has locked Rennie in her room and goes to berate Sean on not being able to drive the ship well. While Wayne's body sets a blaze, Jason sets off the fire alarm. Charles thinks its a prank and is going to murder the deckhand.
Meanwhile, up on deck, a guy with an axe tries to kill Jason only to be disarmed. He flees, Jason teleports in front of him. He climbs a ladder, Jason teleports next to him. The black boxer saw the falling weapon and finds the battered corpse. Jason throws him into the drink.
Rennie is trying to break out of her room. She has some more Lil Jason hallucinations as the real Jason attacks her and tries to strangle her through a porthole. She stabs him in the eye with Stephen King's pen. Jason bleeds purple water. Sean shows up and breaks her out while the ship begins to explode.
Charles is hunting down the deckhand with a flare gun. The deckhand jumps him and threatens him with a butcher knife before running off.
The ship starts to flood and Sean and Rennie act out that scene from Titanic ten years before it was shot. Charles confronts Sean. Sean is a baby. Everyone is dead except the english teacher, Charles, Rennie, Sean, and the deckhand, but the deckhand has an ax in his back. The four survivors pile into a lifeboat as Jason ominously watches. Charles and Sean do a very poor job of rowing. BUT WAIT DEAR READER, THE BLACK BOXER IS STILL ALIVE AND JUMP SCARES HIS WAY INTO THE LIFEBOAT.  The five row away into the stormy night. They are all wearing life vests. Sean's gigantic 80s GPS thing finds their location. How is there a half hour left everyone is either dead or lost at sea.
They finally arrive in New York. They are approaching it from what looks like a mile out in the atlantic. Jason also arrives in new york and sees a billboard of himself. The five of them get mugged by some punks, one of whom takes Rennie's necklace. The necklace stealer tries to kill Rennie's dog but she stops him. He then threatens to rape her and kidnaps her. Charles stops the black guy Julius from stopping them.
Charles storms off in the opposite direction. The rapists didnt even take the cheap necklace as Sean finds it on the ground.
The rapists bring her back to their hideout and forceably inject crack into her before raping her. She spits in their face. Jason finds a hypo laying on the ground nearby and just hates littering. He jabs it straight through the guy's body. The second rapist sees Jason and shoots him. We know by now how useful that is. He keeps dumping rounds into Jason while Rennie tries to get out from underneath the dead rapist. Jason hits the second guy's head into a pipe as Rennie escapes.
Julius finds a payphone and dials 911. Jason prevents the call from going through. They've gone from the port authority to midtown very quickly. Jason teleports up to the rooftop where Julius is hiding. Julius tries to box the inhuman monster. He is doing a mostly good job until he runs out of steam and Jason punches his head clean off his body, off the roof, down a slide, and into a dumpster which slams shut.
Rennie is lost in new york and there is no bird lady to help her. Sean finds her though and they commune on Jason. They reunite with Charles, the english teacher, and a police officer. The cop has a very thick accent. Jason has placed Julius' head on the cop's dashboard. He then murders the cop by pressing his radio into his throat. Rennie steals the cop the car with everyone inside and runs over Jason. She starts to have a hallucination of Lil Jason, goes into slow motion, and crashes the car. Charles, Sean, and Rennie manage to get out but the car explodes with the teacher still inside. Three left.
Rennie has a flashback. Charles is trying to teach her how to swim by telling her terrifying Jason stories and then shoving her into the water. This is an awful way to teach a kid. How is he a teacher.
Rennie and Sean run off, leaving Jason and Charles alone. Charles tries to run and makes it to an abandoned warehouse where he is thrown out the window by Jason. He is then thrown into a trash can and drowned.
Rennie, who i think is still high, is sitting in a recliner in an alley, telling Sean about her dead parents. They kiss. Jason does not like that one bit. They run into the subway as Jason chases them, but Jason is already on the train! They run from car to car, but eventually reach the end of the line and are forced to pull the emergency break. They escape past some graffiti that says Jason Lives. They shove Jason onto the third rail. There is no way he's coming back from that!
They surface in Time Square. Sean says, "its over," but Jason is standing right behind him. Sean and Rennie take in the lights before spotting their erstwhile killer. Some punks see them run by. Jason breaks their stereo and they pull knives on them. Jason takes off his mask and scares them into running away.
Sean and Rennie run into a diner where the waitress refuses to let her call 911. Jason bursts through the door and starts messing up the place. Sean and Rennie escape out the back only to be met with a dead end. Jason finds them. They run into the sewer, Jason follows them. A sewer worker scares them and tells them that toxic waste is going to flood the sewer.
Ambushes them and caves the sewer bro's head in with a wrench. He is about to do the same to Sean when Rennie shines a flashlight at him. Rennie runs and eventually throws acid at him. Jason takes off his mask again. He looks stupider now than he did in Part II and really, that's saying something. Rennie runs back to Sean and they try to flee the sewer.
Their escape is hindered by a monster grabbing their leg. Jason vomits a bunch of water out and is crushed by tons of toxic waste. Jason, not quite double dead, starts screaming and having flashbacks. The toxic waste subsides revealing the body of a little boy. Jason's mask floats downstream. They abandon the boy.
Sean and Rennie try to go on with their trip even though everyone they know is dead.
How I Felt:
THIS IS A BAD MOVIE. THIS IS A BAD BAD MOVIE.
Sequel:
Jason Goes to Hell and Jason X before i can start watching movies that arent entirely awful.