Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988)

What I Knew:
Why do i keep doing this to myself. Also, apparently "Many fans have also considered this film to be a crossover to Stephen King's Carrie due to the main protagonist having telekinetic powers." Thanks wikipedia. Also apparently this is the one with the infamous sleeping bag kill, though i don't know if its edited or not.
What I Got:
Oh great, a recap of the last six movies. Thats my favorite part about Friday movies. They did a pretty good job editing Part VI into a not entirely retarded film. Aw, there's no "Jason Bond" thing in this one. Pretty disappointed.
Jason is right where we left him in Part 6, at the bottom of Crystal Lake. Over at shore, a guy beats a woman until a little girl runs away. Jason is now a metaphor for domestic abuse. Well, the little girl canoes out to the middle of the lake and telekinetically murders her abusive father. Ten years later, she is in a car with her surviving mother and seeing a Dr. Cruise at Crystal Lake. Crystal Lake, not Forest Green. I really hate these movies. It looks like Dr. Cruise's office is at Camp Crystal Lake. Maybe its Pinehurst. It looks like the same cabin Jason destroys every year. Oh, its actually telekinetic Tina's old home where she killed her dad. Also there are teenagers camping there.
Tina is seeing things and being video recorded by Dr. Cruise during their session. Dr. Cruise is trying to manipulate her into using telekinesis. It works and she moves it. Also she's pyrokinetic. Tina runs out to the lake in a huff, has a flashback to a scene we just saw, and accidentally resurfaces Jason. Dr. Cruise tries to write the wet monster emerging from Lake Blood as a hallucination of Tina's father.
A couple is on their way to a birthday party at the cabin next door to Tina's. Tina is attending that party. The couple's car breaks down and they begin wandering through the woods of Crystal Lake. The bro in the couple stops to take a leak and Jason kills his girl. He returns to find her pinned to a tree with some kind of blade. He takes off running and Jason stalks after him. He throws the blade and it stabs the bro in the back. He crawls away and Jason just picks him up by the blade, killing him.
At the party, Tina meets a nerd. She also meets a bunch of other awful people, who she has visions of dying. Her psychiatrist doesnt believe her.
A man and a woman are camping, I'm not sure if we're supposed to know them yet or not. The man goes to gather wood with a machete. Jason punches a hole through his chest and steals his weapon. The woman is wearing some ugly underwear. Jason hauls her out of the tent, dragging her along in the sleeping bag and kills her by slapping her against a tree. So Great.
Tina is bad at flirting. Jason is bad at hiding. So is the Snooty Girl from the party.
The dopehead just rolled a huge blunt. The snooty girl reveals her crazy secret and Tina destroys her pearl necklace. The doctor says she's dangerous. She throws a TV at him with her mind. As she escapes the house, Nick confronts her and Tina tells him she wants to run away because she had a vision of Michael getting killed. Nick calls her "Jenny." Tina's mom says she is making her leave come morning.
Skinny Dipping at Night. These two skinny dippers are the most annoying characters in any Friday movie to date. I am relishing in their death. Jason slashes the male one in the face and then teleports into the lake to kill the girl. Good riddance.
The dopehead likes girls who don't sweat. The ugly girl is putting on makeup in order to impress him. Jason is dragging a bloody corpse out of the lake.
Dr. Cruise decides to take a walk in the woods and finds a corpse. Michael's corpse. Tina's mom finds the murder weapon in Dr. Cruise's desk along with a video tape. The tape reveals that Dr. Cruise is a dick. Dr. Cruise returns and confronts Tina's mom. Tina steals a car and runs away. She has a vision of Jason killing her mom which causes her to wreck the car. They are all trapped now in Crystal Lake.
The ugly girl stole the snooty girl's clothes and jewelry and darts off into the woods to find the dopehead. She loses and earring and bends down to look for it only to stand up and see a corpse landing in front of her. Jason follows her to a toolshed. She thinks she has fooled Jason and tries to escape but alas. Jason is still there and this time he has a sickle. A sickle that comes crashing through the wall and executes her.
Tina is running in the woods and bumps into Nick. Tina's mom and Dr. Cruise are hunting after Tina. Jason has made it to the cabin. Everyone is having sex in the cabin. Everyone is also having sex in the van.
The van people hear Jason but think it is michael trying to give them a good surprise. They decide to surprise him instead. Jason turns the tables yet again and surprises them with murder. He crushes the boy's head and then slams a birthday horn into her eye.
Jason cuts power to the cabin. Nick and Tina run into Michael's corpse. Back at the Cabin, the dopehead goes to track down some grub. He gets butcher knifed by Jason. Tina and Nick find out that Jason Voorhees is the monster. Nick finds out she is telekinetic. I'm having a very hard time paying attention to this movie.
I feel inclined to mention that, usually, i watch these films in one straight burst. No breaks, no pausing, just sit down, watch, type, done. I couldnt do that with this movie. I paused it at 9:09 on friday night and it is now 8:20pm on saturday. I am literally forcing myself to click the play button. I can't remember anything that happened yesterday. I'm doing it.
And of course the first thing that comes out of someone's mouth is "cunt."
Nick and Tina are trying to organize an escape to save everyone, but Jason has other plans. He machetes the nerd. Meanwhile the dopehead's girl is exploring the upstairs and finally finds a cat. Jump scare cat, the staple of Friday the 13th. The girl puts her hand in a puddle of blood (icky), sees an homage to Part II (terrifying), and Jason throws her out a window (boring).
Nick abandons Tina in order to gather up the partiers, but I'm pretty sure they're all dead now. Jason is stalking Tina's mom and Dr. Cruise. Dr. Cruise calls Tina's mom Deborah but im pretty sure her name is Amanda. Jason arrives carrying what appears to be a hockey stick with the end replaced with a big knife. They run and Jason chases them. Dr. Cruise offers Tina's mom up as a sacrifice. She's dead.
Nick finds corpses at the cabin. Also he has a gun. Did this gun reveal happen already? Nick runs back to Tina's cabin to find it empty. Where has Tina gone? Nick readys his gun and almost shoots the snooty girl. He tells the snooty girl that there are dead people. She tells him to get real.
Tina is searching the woods for her mother. She finds Dr. Cruise. Dr. Cruise tells her that she's "gone" and Tina runs into the woods looking for her. Dr. Cruise runs off in the other direction but oh no Jason has a weed whacker and he's not afraid to use it. Dr. Cruise runs and thinks he has escaped before Jason teleports in behind him, punches him down a hill, and weed whacks his guts out.
Tina is still wandering in the woods. She finds her mom's corpse. She finds the corpses of all the other people too. She also finds Jason.
She starts to fight him with telekinesis. First by making him trip into a puddle, then by breaking a telephone line and dropping it in the puddle. Jason is dead. GET REAL. Tina walks over to investigate only to be greeted by a still fully undead Jason Voorhees.
Tina makes it to the Murder Cabin. It is thunderstorming outside and the thunder sounds like gun shots. Jason jumps through a window in slow-motion. Tina slams a door using her mind but for some reason this fails to stop Jason. She then throws a couch, a tree, and a decapitated head at him. These all prove futile. She then collapses the porch balcony on him.
Tina reunites with the Snooty Girl and Nick at her cabin and tells them that Jason is dead. The snooty girl doesnt believe her and opens the front door. Jason is standing there, puts an ax in her skull, and then throws her at a television. Jason has trapped Tina and Nick in the living room. They narrowly manage to escape upstairs but the doors are all locked. Tina squares off with Jason, each on one end of a staircase. She swings a chandelier at him Home Alone-style and he falls backwards, through the staircase, into the basement. Jason then explodes through a wall and begins stomping nick to death.
In retaliation, Tina makes his mask explode, hangs him from another chandelier, and drops him, yet again, into the basement. Jason is on the concrete floor, broken and maskless but alive. He drags Tina down with him and rips off her shirt. Tina shoots nails at him, but the bro's a zombie that aint gonna do anything. She then sprays gasoline at him, gets some on herself, and uses her pyrokinesis to light him up. Jason is a lot less intimidating with his mask. He pinwheels in the flames and eventually collapses. Nick and Tina run from the burning house.
Outside, they make it to the dock before the house explodes. The house explodes. Gonna say that again, the house explodes. Nick comforts Tina as she cries over it all being gone. Jason teleports in behind them and throws Tina up the dock. Nick uselessly shoots him a few times and Jason shoves him into a boat. Jason turns his attention back to Tina as she telekinetically brings her dad back from the dead to drag Jason to the bottom of the lake. What.
The next day, the fire department is still putting out the exploded house. They find Jason's shattered mask, Nick, and Tina. Tina tells Nick that Jason is taken care of. The End........OR IS IT?
How I Felt
I no longer have any emotions thanks to this film. Also according to the credits, the man I've been calling "Dr. Cruise" is actually "Dr. Crews." Sorry, Friday Fans.
Sequel
It can't get worse than this............OR CAN IT