Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday (1993)

What I Knew:
Haha
What I Got:
This sure is the 90s alright. A 91 Toyota convertible is driving to Crystal Lake. I have entirely forgetten how they stopped Jason in the last film. The Toyota pulls up to a house that looks a whole heck of a lot like Tommy Jarvis' house and a young woman in a Mets cap steps out. She blows a lightbulb and goes out to the shed to get some more plus a step ladder. The shed door slams on her, apparently of its own volition.
The woman successfully replaces the light bulb, stows the ladder, shuts the front door, and brushes her teeth. She then starts removing clothing, otherwise this wouldnt be a Friday movie now would it. She starts to run a bath when the power goes out. Wrapping a towel about herself, she goes to investigate. A man in a hockey mask with a machete tries to kill her. She flees from the house, still wearing nothing but a towel that is apparently secured with superglue or maybe roofing nails. Jason follows her at a plodding pace. Finally, she thinks she has lost him, only to have him teleport in front of her. Then some searchlights turn on and a paramilitary force opens fire on Jason. They riddle Jason with lead and then start mortaring him until he literally explodes. Flaming Jason body parts land everywhere.
A black dude is watching the celebrating military from the woods. He doesnt think Jason is truly dead, and indeed his heart is still beating.
Jason's bits get taken to a morgue in Ohio by a black dude. I'm not sure if it was the black dude or not i wasn't really paying attention. Jason's heart is sitting in a separate container from the rest of his body. An autopsy is being performed. Why they didnt do this the first two times he died, I don't understand. Jason's body is steaming. I guess decomposition does that? The coroner begins reassembling him for examination. He is not looking forward to trying to assess a zombie's cause of death. In his professional opinion, "this guy is deader than shit." This movie really has quality written all over it. Jason's heart is dripping water for some reason. Oh right, probably because he drowned four times. It is also filled with a black viscous liquid, something that isnt blood. The heart beats some more and it scares the doctor. The doctor starts to eat it. What. He then vomits up some bile while shards of energy fly from Jason's body into his.
A dorky doctor shows up and starts making fun of Jason. The apparently possessed-doctor stabs him with a metal instrument and mashes his face into some grating. Jason walks out and finds two guards making fun of Jason. Later, a news report says that the two guards and the coroner are dead. It is an America's Most Wanted style profile of Jason Voorhees. Why would people still go to Crystal Lake if they knew how many people were killed by Jason.
The black guy from before, bounty hunter Creighton Duke, is being interviewed about Jason. This interview is apparently trying to address the inconsistency in Jason appearance by saying he is a quantum leaping demon. Duke charges $500k for the capture of Jason. Jason has been cutting a warpath between Ohio and Crystal Lake and Duke is on the trail.
A Crystal Lake diner is having a 2 for 1 hamburger sale in honor of Jason's death. Duke is eating a Voorhees Burger with a side of Jason Fingers. Duke asks the waitress for help in killing Jason. Duke antagonizes the waitress' boyfriend who is also the sheriff. He kicks Duke out of the town. Duke tells the waitress, Diana, that Jason is coming for her and her daughter. Diana tells her daughter Jessica's boyfriend Stephen that there's a secret about Jessica that he doesnt know and to have a secret rendezvous that night.
On his way there, Stephen picks up some hitchhikers on their way to Crystal Lake. They try to talk Stephen into skinny dipping with them. Stephen bails and the three hitchhikers make their way into the woods. After some skinny dipping, they come back to their campsite. One of the girls goes to pee in the woods, while the remaining couple start doing it in a tent. The zombie doctor slashes her up. The girl in the tent goes to pee and barely misses seeing her slashed up friend. The dangers of unprotected sex are detailed. STDs, pregnancy, slashing. Black Doctor Jason stabs the girl with a fence post thought the tent wall and the guy is unceremoniously killed off-screen.
Back in town, Diana is taking some dog food to the dumpster but is scared by a dog. Black Doctor Jason is watching her from the woods. Her sheriff boyfriend's deputy scares her. BDJ kidnaps him, straps him to a table, and starts giving him a shave. Jason is a mad barber now. BDJ then starts eating him. What.
Diana's daughter calls her and tells her that she has a new boyfriend. Her new boyfriend is the America's Most Wanted knockoff host. Jason is now inhabiting the body of the deputy who hangs up the phone and tries to kill Diana. Jessica calls Diana's sheriff boyfriend. White Sheriff Jason sticks his tongue out at Diana and might have licked her if Stephen didnt stop him. WSJ grabs a kitchen knife and stabs Diana. WSJ sees himself in the mirror, giving Stephen just enough time to stab him with a fireplace poker. Diana's dying wish is for Stephen to save Jessica. What is going on. Are we really half way into this movie already?
The sheriff arrives to find Stephen standing over Diana's corpse. WSJ is missing. Stephen is brought into custody.
Jessica returns home to find a a sobbing woman washing Diana's blood out of the carpet. The sobbing woman oggles Jessica's infant daughter, Stephanie. Jessica has been keeping her and Stephen's baby a secret. Jessica doesnt know that Stephen probably killed Diana. Jessica goes to visit the sheriff and a still blood-soaked Stephen sees his baby from a distance.
Duke, also in prison, antagonizes Stephen. I really like Duke. Duke makes Stephen give him his hand. Duke gently caresses it. Duke breaks Stephen's fingers. He tells Stephen that the only way Jason can die is for Jessica to destroy his heart. Duke keeps breaking Stephen's fingers whenever he asks a question. It turns out Diana and Jessica and Stephanie are Voorheeses and only a Voorhees can kill Jason or bring him to life. Stephen breaks out of jail.
Stephen is hiding in the stockroom of the diner fixing his finger when the sobbing girl sticks the baby in a cardboard box. Jason plays with his daughter. A fat guy sees him and gives him his car. Stephen drives out to a big abandoned house. He is attacked by an ironing board. He finds the Necronomicon. Like i think this is the actual Necronomicon from Evil Dead 2. This is blowing my mind. The Evil Dead and Friday the 13th are in the same universe. Stephen hides from it and falls through the floor.
The America's Most Wanted guy shows up and starts trying to scam the American people. He stole Diana's corpse from the morgue and hid it in the Voorhees House as a way to increase ratings. White Sheriff Jason attacks and makes out with the reporter until he takes over his body while the sheriff's body melts. Diana's body falls on Stephen. White Sheriff Bro is hella melty. America's Most Jason is alive and stalking now.
In the second bath scene in the film, Jessica gets sobby and soggy. Jason cuts the power. She sneaks into the garage, gets a hammer and a flashlight. AMJ starts to kill her when Stephen stops AMJ and kidnaps Jessica. Stephen hits AMJ with a car and then backs over him.
A few miles away, Stephen stops the car and explains to Jessica whats happening. She thinks its a ploy to murder her, punches Stephen in the dick, and hijacks the car. Jessica shows up at the sheriff's office and says that Stephen killed America's Most Wanted bro and tried to kill her.
Stephen gets arrested while AMJ storms the police station. He starts making out with Jessica when the sheriff interrupts. AMJ kills him and Jessica starts to run. AMJ and Jessica run into Stephen who steals a cop's gun and shoots the hell out of AMJ. Duke thinks this is hilarious.
Stephen and Jessica take shelter in the diner, where the owner holds him at gunpoint. She sends a fat guy over to the police station. He sees AMJ stalking towards him. In the diner, Jessica tries to wrangle the gun away from the owner but shoots the power out. AMJ throws the fat guy through the door. Jessica and Stephen hide in slow motion. The diner's employees are apparently heavily armed and everyone opens fire at AMJ. The baby is missing with just a note in its place. AMJ sticks a dude's head in the fryer and punches the owner in the face so hard her jaw turns inside out. AMJ grabs Jessica only to get shot by the sobbing girl who then stabs him with a big stick. He then stabs her with the same stick and crushes her skull before dropping dead.
Jessica makes a run for it in a stolen pickup truck. Stephen finds a note from Duke instructing Jessica to come to the Voorhees house alone if she wants her baby. He also finds a machete.
Jessica arrives at the Voorhees house to be met with Duke & Baby. Duke threatens the baby with a knife. He gives the baby back and throws her the knife which turns into a magic knife. Jessica has to kill Jason. Back at the diner, the cops have arrived. They find a ton of corpses, Robert's among them. Robert attacks one of the cops and takes his body. Two cops arrive at the Voorhees house and Duke tells Jessica to kill both of them. She kills the wrong one and he starts to make out with the baby. Stephen slits that guy's throat with a machete. A little baby thing crawls out of the cop's throat and attacks Stephen. What is going on.
Duke has fallen down a hole and so has the little baby dragon Jason thing. Duke gets pulled up to the surface and baby dragon Jason thing rapes Diana's corpse and is reborn as hockey mask Jason.
Duke handcuffs Jason to himself. Jason gives Duke a big hug. The dagger Jessica needs to kill Jason with falls down to the basement. Stephen tackles Jason out a window in order to buy Jessica some time. Jason beats Stephen with a rake. Jessica sticks the baby in an unguarded bassinet and crawls down into the basement, retrieving the dagger.
Stephen hits Jason repeatedly over the head with a shovel until Jason hits him over the head with a shovel and throws him into a jungle gym which he then throws into a tree. Jason then begins to drag stephen around and then throw him.
Jessica manages to run up behind Jason and stab the dagger deep into his chest. Red orbs of light pop out and shoot into the sky. I have a feeling Jason is Going To Hell at the moment.  Stephen punches Jason a bunch of times while yelling "GO TO HELL." Some blue lights start shooting into him while a bunch of zombie hands shoot out of the dirt and grab Jason and Stephen, dragging them, presumably, to hell. Jessica saves Stephen but Jason is lost to the sands of hell. Jessica and Stephen kiss. What.
What.
Later they are walking arm in arm around a field that is decidedly not Bergen County, NJ. Jason's mask is uncovered in the dirt by a dog and some wind. Freddy Krueger's hand reaches out and drag's Jason's mask down. What.
How I Felt
Well, this movie undermined all the previous Friday movies by insisting that Jason was not actually a mutant zombie but some kind of lizard dude. So, uh, I guess we've got to give them credit for that.
Sequel
Do I have to :[