It is a Friday the 13th movie, Jason lives, I'm probably not going to survive this.
What I Got:
A TERROR INC. PRODUCTION
Tommy Jarvis is back. I guess he didnt murder Pam after all. He and a crazy buddy escaped from an institution to dig Jason's corpse up and light it on fire. They are exploring the worst planned out graveyard in America. Ths scene mirrors Tommy's dream from the extreme beginning of Part V, which I think means Jason has to come back from the dead and murder these two. My Corey Feldman dreams are being destroyed as we speak. Jason's corpse is pretty wormy. Tommy is murdering Jason's corpse in a most brutal fashion with a big steel fence post. Tommy made the mistake of leaving the fence post in Jason's rotting chest though, as lightning struck it and reanimated Mr. Voorhees. Jason is in full on zombie mode as Tommy soaks him with gasoline. Worms are falling off Jason's face. Jason rips Tommy's crazy friend's heart out. Literally sticks his hand into the dude's chest and tears out his heart.
HOLY CRAP THAT WAS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. The screen zooms in on Jason's eyeball and the pupil expands. Jason walks casually into frame, turns casually at the camera, and throws his machete. The screen fills up with blood in the perfect slasher homage to James Bond films. I have literally never seen something like this.
Jason is chasing Tommy into the sheriff's office but the cops don't believe him. They changed the name of the town from Crystal Lake to Forest Green because of Jason. Meanwhile, a couple is travelling to Camp Forest Green (hehe) to be the head councilors. Jason is standing in the middle of the street, blocking the couple's car. They decide to put the fear of God into him by driving at him, but he cripples their car. The male councilor pulls a gun on Jason. He shoots Jason, but Jason impales him on his javelin. Female councilor is trying to escape by flopping around in a puddle and offering Jason money. This does not sate Jason as he impales her next.
At the Sheriff's office the next morning, some kids are trying to find the missing councilors. One kid says an all points bulletin would be "wicked decent." Tommy tells them that Jason has murdered them because Camp Forest Green is Camp Crystal Lake aka Camp Blood. Jason is going to murder everyone. The sheriff is going to walk Tommy into the Pine Barrens to die.
The gravedigger is covering up Jason's missing remains because he doesn't want to get in trouble while back at Camp Blood, I mean Camp Forest Green, the councilors are settling in and getting ready. One of the girls, the sheriff's daughter, has a crush on Tommy. The children have arrived at the camp.
A crazy game of paintball is going on elsewhere in the woods as Jason watches on. A woman "killed" a bunch of men and they are going crazy. One of them has a machete. Jason rips that guy's arm off and steals the blade. A comedy relief paintballer loses his gun and flops around on the ground. I hate the "comedy" in these movies. The comedy relief paintballer finds his gun and shoots Jason after Jason murders three of his coworkers. Jason is not fazed by paintballs.
Tommy is running away from the police, but he is running towards the graveyard to prove that Jason is alive. Little does he know that the crimescene was covered up. The deputy has a giant laser sight on his gun. As he's being taken back into custody Tommy yells at the gravedigger to dig Jason's grave back up. The old coot says, and I am quoting here, "Dig him up? Does he think I'm a farthead?" This movie.
There are children at Camp Blood.
Tommy has finally been thrown out of Forest Green. The gravedigger is drunk. A couple is having sex. People are getting murdered tonight. Jason stabs the gravedigger to death with his own whiskey bottle. One of the couple goes to investigate and finds Jason eviscerating the gravedigger's corpse with his machete. Jason impales both of them on his machete with one stab.
A kid at the camp is reading Sartre.
One of the councilors, the male one, escaped the camp and is having sex in an RV somewhere. Jason is also there, not having sex with anyone. There are a lot of really gross noises in this movie. Jason cuts off power to the RV. The councilor and his lady friend discover the cut power cord and try to escape but Jason is already in the RV. He murders the girl by slamming her face into the wall so hard it leaves an imprint. Jason stabs the councilor in the temple so hard it not only makes the tape deck start skipping, it makes the RV flips over. Jason leaves unscathed.
The sheriff uncovers the bodies of the councilors and the comedy relief paintballer but thinks that Tommy killed them, not Jason, but Tommy is out buying a bunch of books about the occult! Tommy calls Megan and she comes to rescue him from her father. Meanwhile Jason arrives at Camp Forest Green. He cuts the phone lines and begins stalking. One of the councilors dumps a can of soda on Jason's head. Jason yanks her out of her slippers and wrenches her head off.
Tommy hooks up with Megan and they set off to get supplies. The Brothers Frog would be proud imo. Back at Camp Forest Green, Jason is dragging a headless corpse around. Tommy and Megan are running from the police. They are stopped at the entrance to Camp Forest Green by the sheriff. Jason is still stalking the camp, machete at the ready, though there is only one councilor left. A little girl finds Jason's machete and is terrified. The councilor and little girl decide to go scare whoever is scaring them right back! Jason doesn't believe in fear.
With Tommy safely in chains, the sheriff goes to investigate the RV wreck. But it can't of been Tommy, Tommy was with Megan when those two kids got killed. This movie is painful.
If there's one good thing I can say about these movies, is that when there's one councilor left alive and she is trapped in a house with Jason stalking her, the tension is excellent and Jason is really at his most terrifying. That good thing doesn't exist in this movie. Jason busts down the door and kills the last councilor.
Tommy is in jail. Tommy and Megan kiss through the bars. While the deputy interrupts the making out, Megan steals his gun and makes him let Tommy out. I think they filmed this on the same backlot as Back to the Future. Tommy and Megan are planning on drowning Jason in Lake Forest Green, I mean Lake Blood, I mean Crystal Lake.
Jason is about to murder a child when the sheriff arriving interrupts him. There is a lot of blood in the councilor's cabin. There is a guy with a hockey mask stalking the police. Jason throws a dart at one of cops and hits him right in the forehead. One redshirt and the sheriff remain. I can't believe only an hour has passed. The child Jason almost murdered arrives and spooks the redshirt, but then Jason shows up and crushes the guy's skull. The sheriff gets his shotgun, grabs the girl, and rounds all the kids up and tells them to hide in one cabin. He is out for blood.
The sheriff bumps into Jason and puts a twelve-gauge slug in his chest, but Jason is a zombie. Also his mask is apparently bullet proof. Tommy and Megan show up just in time. The sheriff is still being chased through the woods. Megan finds the lil kids and they all hug her. She reassures them that everything will be fine as Tommy gets his supplies ready. His supplies apparently consist of one heavy metal chain and one big rock. The sheriff has turned the tables on Jason and is now stalking him.
Jason is a dick and put the sheriff's daughter's best friend's head in the driver seat of a cop car just to scare Megan. He is a prescient dick. The sheriff gets the jump on Jason and starts to beat his head in with a stick. Jason bends him backwards until he snaps in half. Tommy and Megan finish readying the "supplies" as Jason goes to terrify some more kids. Jason busts through a door and almost kills Megan before he remembers how Tommy killed him.
Tommy is antagonizing a monster by calling him a maggot-head and a chicken-shit, pussy, asshole. Does Tommy think he's a farthead? Jason walks towards Tommy's canoe in the lake as Tommy gets his Jason Sinking Device ready for action. Jason disappears under the surface of the water and the way Tommy thinks up to get him to surface is lighting the water on fire. Tommy lights the water on fire. Tommy lights the water around his wooden canoe on fire. Jason springs out of the firey water the same way he sprang out to attack Alice in Part 1, and he and Tommy begin grappling. All Megan can see from the beach is fire. Tommy beats Jason in their wrestling match, changes his name to Israel, and watches as Jason disappears. Jason, now on fire, resurfaces and attacks Tommy. Tommy manages to slip his metal leash over Jason's head and they both sink to the bottom, Tommy struggling to escape and Jason struggling to exact his revenge. He strangles Tommy and resigns himself to the deep. Goodnight, Sweet Feldman.
Of course Megan dives into the monster infested lake to try to save the obviously dead Tommy. Jason grabs her leg and tries to kill her too. She starts the canoe's motor and manages to narrowly escape by hacking Jason up with the propeller. Back on the beach she applies some sweet mouth-to-mouth to the corpse of Tommy Jarvis which reanimates him much like the lightning bolt did to Jason at the beginning. "It's over, it's finally over. Jason's home." Clearly its not over, Tommy, there are still four more films.
The last scene of the film shows a still alive and surprisingly intact Jason chilling at the bottom of Crystal Lake.
How I Felt
This movie was legit worse than the 3D one. Jason Lives is definitely to A New Beginning what Part II was to Part I. In an attempt to redefine the series by introducing the supernatural, it rests on its laurels as a monster movie and ends up just being horribly boring and unlikeable. At least Jason isnt wearing overalls and a bag of flour on his head in this one.
Sequel
Four more. :[
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